Sisters Speak: Marriage Proposals

     Here we go. Diving into some unventured territory...

     So apparently the world is obsessed with marriage nowadays. It seems to be all we talk about. So I decided to monopolize this obsession. Don't get me wrong, marriage is important and I can tell why people are so sensitive and worried about it. But personally I believe we've taken the focus away from other aspects of our deen like character building etc.. and focused an unbelievable amount of time and energy into marriage. I can only guess that this is due to the difficulty of marriage nowadays due to material reasons and high expectations. Not to mention, the increased amount of fitnah our younger generations are being exposed to. May Allah make marriage easy on us all ameen.

  I am hoping to bridge worlds and offer insights with this entry. We will present a Sisters Speak on a frequent basis and anyone is welcome to send topics and questions of interest (you may comment anonymously). These women speak from their experience and they come from a variety of backgrounds and ages. The purpose is to present aspects of proposals that are agreed upon and other variable ones that differ from person to person. We presented questions from followers and I added some more to broaden the scope a bit. If you're wondering, I did not include my opinion. Just to change things up. 

1. What is the first thing that you consider in a proposal? Order according to importance: personality, education and financial stability, religion and responsibility. 

Sister #1:  I consider Deen and khuluq first. Then the rest. I want Allah to be pleased with him, then I will be pleased with him. 

Sister #2: Personality, religion and responsibility, education, financial stability

Sister #3: Personality, education and responsibility, religion, financial stability.

I was confused whether I should put religion and responsibility first or personality. I chose personality then education because one’s personality and education give an indication of the way they are likely to practice their religion. For example if one trait in his personality is open mindedness, then he is likely to be a normal practitioner of his religion, not a fanatic. So when someone commits a mistake, he would accept that human beings make mistakes and try to change it in a smart educated way instead of using harsh words and reacting negatively saying: “you’ll be in hell forever” instead of advising them in private and showing them the right way. With good personality and education comes good understanding of religion, not vice versa. An educated person makes educated decisions and understands that Muslims should go by their deen, and should care less about their cultural values that go against their deen. Financial stability comes last because it does not exist. One’s financial status is never stable and could be turned upside down in no time.

Sister #4: Religion, personality & responsibility, education and financial stability.
For me religion comes first. And no, its not because it’s the “right” thing to order it that way. Although I have never been in any kind of relationship, I have been through many friendships. I have often found the most beautiful and long lasting friendships are with those friends who are religious, pure hearted, and spiritual. They seem to emit a glow, they always inspire me to be better and I feel a sense of peace and security in their presence. When a person is religious and practising correctly, it also means that they will abide by Allah SWT’s deen, meaning that no matter what happens between you both, even if things don’t work out, you can be sure that they will still be good to you, your family, uphold your rights and be civil, as what keeps them in line is not your love for each other, which is fragile and is subject to change with circumstances, but out of love and fear of Allah SWT, a much stronger and permanent connection. Having a religious partner is also key to not only having a stable partner for this Dunya, but will also be a person who will help you strive for Jannah and keep your Akhira in mind. Personality comes second, as a good, healthy, balanced personality is essential. Responsibility is on the same rank as personality for me after deen, as a guy needs to be reliable and dependable to be a good life partner. Education and financial stability comes last. Not because I don’t see its importance, I definitely do. But because it is the most of these points that is subject to change with external circumstances. If the guy is still studying but possesses all the qualities above, or if his job isn’t great, but he’s looking, I would still go for it and try to make it work. One condition is that he be ambitious. With ambition and drive, anything is possible.

2. Should a man be accepted with some characteristics that you don't like in hopes that you'll change some of them or that he will eventually change?

Sister #1: Yup. No one's perfect. 

Sister #2: It is really up to the individual, personally I would accept a person with some characteristics that I do not like, as long as I can live with them and tolerate them, as people do not change that easily.  And like I expect the other person to accept some of my characteristics that he may not like, it is only fair that I ask the same of myself, bottom line, nobody is perfect.

Sister #3: Absolutely not. If you notice certain characteristics that you don’t like in him, test it a couple of times to make sure that your observation is right then make up your mind. If you think that the good characteristics in him are way more than the ones you don’t like, then give him a chance to fix them by telling him what you think and being honest in evaluating him. If he resists change or even if he tries his best but it’s still not satisfying, then the best solution is to not accept, because if u accept then get married and he is still not changed, there is no one else to blame but yourself. This in no way means that he is a bad person, NO, it just means that you two aren't well suited for one another.

Sister #4: It Depends. There are some major characteristics that CANNOT be compromised and are essential for them to be present for us to be able to start our lives together. They include: Respect, Honesty, Kindness, Mercy, Compassion, and Maturity, to name a few. If there is any doubt in these major ones that influence our lives on a daily basis, I would have an issue there. It also depends on the EXTENT to which the unpleasant characteristic is present. For example, it might be okay if he has a slight temper, but if he flies into rages he cannot control over daily nuisances, that would be problematic. However, I completely understand he is only human, as I obviously also have my share of faults as well. The guy must be aware of his unpleasant characteristics, and must have the ambition to want to improve and change them as well.

3. What is the best way to approach someone for marriage? Should there be privacy between the two or should there always be a third person? 

Sister #1: There should always be a third person involved. More baraqa that way. 

Sister #2: It is of great help to have some friends involved, like a close to friend, to the girl or the boy, I say a very good friend, and hopefully that person would want for this relationship to go forward if it is good for both. Both parties could talk, but avoid privacy, as it conflicts with what God asked us to do.  After an initial consent is achieved, meaning both parties are equally interested in pursuing the relationship further, parents should be brought on board.  As parents should feel they are part of the decision too.  For one reason, parents know their kids really well, they have that instinct about their children, so we need them involved early on, so their opinion could still be considered.

Sister #3: There should be a third person in the first 2 times, then if all goes well and there is mutual acceptance to progress the relationship, they should be given permission by both sides’ parents (if available) to meet and speak privately in a public area or at the girl’s house.

Sister #4: I am old school when it comes to this. The best way to approach someone for marriage is through the parents. It is not only the proper Islamic way, but it shows that the guy is mature and serious about the relationship. I personally respect a guy much more if he asks my dad or brother before initiating anything. This method ensures that you get to know each other in a fair, controlled environment and weeds out the guys that are serious about marriage from those who are just there to “talk”.
There should always be a third person present, a mahram or mature person you trust to help guide the conversation, decrease awkwardness, and give you valuable feedback about the person. Once you have your “katb ktab” by all means, facebook inbox away..

4. What is a respectable way to turn down a proposal? 

Sister #1: Well the only time I would turn it down would be when I don't get a good response from my istikhaara. That's exactly what I tell them. Most of the time, the situation just ends on its own without me having to say anything. It's Allah's way of dealing with it for me alhumdulillah.

 Sister #2: I think both parties need to be very sensitive and honest with one another, and let the other person know as soon as they know that they are not interested.  As long as the refusal is communicated in kind and respectful way, no harm will be done.

Sister #3: “Sorry, there is no chemistry between us. You and I are very good people, but are not suited for one another.” There is zero shame in that.

Sister #4: “Mafi naseeb"; meaning that their is no luck or that the couple are not destined for one another. The parents or the girl’s mahram should very respectfully let the guy know that there is no interest in continuing.

5. When does one know that they have gotten to know the potential guy enough to decide to follow through on the proposal and to take matters further?

Sister #1: If you guys are compatible and have similar likes and dislikes. Then just make istikhaara and go with that. 

Sister #2:  Everyone is different here, that is what makes us unique as human beings.  We need to know ourselves and what we are looking for in a relationship, the more specific we are about what we need, the fastest we can identify our match, and move forward.  I would say take reasonable time, just beware of giving false hope when not ready with the decision yet.  This will help avoid confusion and hurting one another.

Sister #3: A girl should write a list of the most important things she wants in her future husband. When she meets a potential guy and is willing to take the next steps, she should review the list that she made, and really consider it if the man does not fit the list, not just ignore it and say “no this doesn’t matter, I changed my mind” because the probabilities are that yes she did change her mind, but may be because 1) the list is unreasonable or unrealistic or 2) that she is now blinded by love, and this blindness is making her overlook the things that were once very important for her.

6. What was the most awkward proposal you experienced? And what are some ways to avoid awkwardness during this very embarrassing process - or is it inevitable and we should just be prepared?

Sister #1: O.m.g. Having to meet the person on the spot the moment they see you. Having to speak with them with people surrounding you and listening...it's just awful! 

 Sister #2: One proposal I had from a Guy that was much younger, and he saw me a few times, and got fascinated and proposed on the spot.  I had to pause a minute, gather my thoughts, and tell him that this will not work, because he is younger, and also, he does not know me well enough to make his decision.  I encouraged him respectfully to reconsider.  We need to be smart about this, and not let our emotions lead us, especially when it comes to relationships that we know will not work for us, we need to be straight forward, honest and respectful in telling the other party our decision. 

Sister #3: It is inevitable. A girl should consult her parents what she should do in such a situation if someone asks her for her contact information for proposal.

Sister #4:  Cringe, cringe, cringe. This guy once cornered me outside of a coffee shop on campus. He was so insistent, and demanding, I was honestly so uncomfortable and intimidated. He was like a leech, wouldn’t leave when I declined to give him my number.
Some ways to avoid it: Go to the parents first if possible at all. However, If you see someone on the spot and are interested (like in my case, on the street), be very courteous and respectful when asking, make your intentions clear, and be understanding that the girl balancing a large french vanilla and textbooks in -40 degrees weather may not be prepared to discuss marriage with you at the moment. No offence.
   Since marriage and proposals are generally very sensitive procedures, they’re bound to be awkward at some point. But hey, more fun stories to tell your kids.

7. What are you supposed to do if a brother confronts YOU with a proposal and doesn't go through your parents/wali first? Isn't this a bad sign?

Sister #1: Well it's not a bad thing, but I would rather he go through my parents if he's that serious about me! 

Sister #2: In this case it really depends on the girl’s level of maturity, for an educated sister this could be fine, as long as she can represent herself and her family well, and with respect, there is no issue with proposing this way.  In my opinion if the girl is mature, it doesn’t really matter whether the guy approach her or her Wali, as they both should be on the same page where this matter is concerned.

Sister #3: It is not a bad sign. Maybe the guy does not want to embarrass the girl if her parents like him but she does not. And maybe he doesn’t want to embarrass himself, what if she was not interested in him? It would be a long process getting parents’ number, parents ask the girl for her opinion then rejecting the guy. However, if it is kind of obvious that the girl is also interested in him, he should ask her for her parents’ contacts to proceed in taking serious steps.

Sister #4: Depends on the circumstances. It has happened to me before, but the guy was a complete stranger and was asking for my father’s number. I would say go through the parents whenever possible, but if the guy meets someone he sees as a potential partner on the spot, and his mother or sister aren’t present at the situation to ask on his behalf for contact information, then its understandable if he asks RESPECTFULLY for her father’s contact information. No declaration of love or poetry on the spot Romeo. Also, If he pokes you on Facebook to initiate a conversation, block him. Just no.


8. How do you feel about arranged marriage?

Sister #2: Arranged Marriage prove to be successful in certain cultures / and individual cases.  It is not for everyone, it works for some people, since we are all different and unique, and there is no general rule that apply to everyone.  As long as people are being treated with respect, and allowed time and space to ask questions, and make the right decision, that is all that count.

Sister #3: Not so ‘open book’. The girl and the guy both know that they are going to be meeting their may-be-potential partner, so they act on their best behavior, and are not in their natural behavior. However, if the arranged marriage is by people they trust and know very well, for example: a friend knows them both and thinks that they are suited for one another, and then it would probably be less artificial.

Sister #4: I think a differentiation here is necessary between arranged marriage and forced marriage. I am fine with the former, but against the latter. Arranged marriage is simply when the parents or families of both the guy and the girl are involved in their introductions to one another. With all honesty, if the parents are in favor of the union of their children, there might be some pressure, but arranged marriage is never meant to be forced. I’m completely fine with the idea, as the guy and girl both exercise free will on whether or not to go through with it. I have heard of countless marriages that began off that way, and the couple are doing just fine now.

9. Where do you think men are going wrong with proposals these days?

Sister #1:  Taking too long to get to know the girl. If you really like her, then khalas do it up yo. Man up a little. 

Sister #2:  Men must be very confused these days, especially in our city, where multi-culture is at its best.  It is amazing how when it comes to birth, marriage, or death, we go back to our root culture, and what our comfort zone is.  So it must be really difficult and confusing for a guy to propose to girl, and say and do the right thing, since culture is a big factor here.  And what is accepted by the girl sometimes is not accepted by her culture, or her family etc.  If we were all abiding by the Islamic way of doing things, it would be much easier, as Islam has rules and guidelines around the proposal that are unique, and pretty much standard.  But when culture is added to the mix, it definitely adds a twist of confusion.   Men really need to educate themselves on the culture of the girl they are interested in, before they approach, as knowing about the culture and keeping an open mind is a key.

Sister #3: They might not understand the idea that your wife is your “life partner”. They have to fully understand that: You have to protect and care for her like your sister. Love her, be merciful to her and appreciate her as if she is the most expensive gift you have ever received.

10. Advice to women handling proposals?

Sister #1: Have faith in Allah. He has someone for you. I'm sure that person is awesome iA. Just have patience, if it hasn't happened for you yet. Remember Allah is Lateefun Khabir. He knows what is in your heart even before you know it. Have trust in him and pray to him sincerely. iA it's happen for you soon! ps: If you're already in a relationship/commitment, honestly make it halal because a good/halal beginning will lead to a halal and happy end.

Sister #2: First thing expect the proposal, accept the fact that the proposal may come at any time and from anyone.  This will help prepare you.  The 2^nd thing, be honest in your feelings, and if there is no chance from one of the proposal, let the person know, in a kind and respectful way.  Simply put yourself in the other person’s position, and treat them like you would to be treated.  Stay objective and keep the emotion aside, as getting emotional will cloud your thinking, and confuse the matter at hand.   The more realistic & objective we stay, the better and easier it will be.   Do not be afraid to seek advice and support from a close friend, or relative, someone you trust to hear you out, and provide objective advice.

Sister #3: Think wisely. Test him on different occasions, and make sure you solve all the puzzling questions you have in your mind. Be 100% honest with the man and with yourself. You have to be 100% sure that this is the man that you want to live your whole life with. You have to have the intention of doing your best to make your marriage work and don’t think “if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok we’ll just get divorced”. NO, you have to be fully willingly committed. And if you expect the man to do his best, so should you.

Sister #4:
1. Listen to your parents and value their opinion. Remember, they love you and are on your side. Also, as they are much older than you, they have more experience with people, and may catch certain qualities or characteristics about the person that you might be blind to.
2. Try your best to be logical. Yes, I think its important to listen to our gut feelings and we may understandably be overwhelmed with emotions, but we should also try our best to be as realistic and objective as possible.
3. Pray Istikhara, and pay very close attention to your feelings. If you experience a sense of calmness and “Sakeenah,” and all other factors seem to line up, then you should put your faith in Allah SWT and proceed.
4. Do NOT blab about every proposal you get to all your friends. Be very careful about who you tell, as news are often exaggerated when passed around, and rumors and unnecessary drama can occur, leading to some very awkward situations..

11. What is the make or break of an approach? If it exists.

Sister #2:  Being sincere in our feelings towards ourselves & the person we are dealing with is a key.  Simply let us treat them at a human level, whether we intend to pursue the relationship with them or not.  Stay objective, as much as possible, during the decision making stage, as you need all the logic you can get to help make the decision.  Rely on sincere friends, relatives, to help keep you on track, everybody needs somebody sometimes, do not be shy to seek help.   Being insensitive to others feelings even if we do not intend to have a relationship with them is not right, and should be avoided.  We also should not give them false hope, we need to be realistic, and in touch with ourselves, as to what we want, so may make the right decision.  

Remember this in Times of Hardship

A dear friend of mine writes a sweet reminder:

"Verily with hardship comes ease" (Surah Al-Sharh, 94)

   When we're faced with hardships or tragedy, whether natural, personal, or intentional, our instinctual response is survival. The basic human needs like cleanliness, sleep, and sustenance become a struggle to keep up with. Our fragile human nature allows our thoughts and pain to bring us into an unfamiliar solitude. We begin to wonder why Allah (subhanahu wata'ala) is putting us through these hardships while completely forgetting the verse (which Allah, swt repeats twice) in the Quran. The short yet powerful verse ensures that with hardship, comes ease. SubhanaAllah, how five words could be so powerful and bring so much comfort. This is our compassionate Lord, the One who understands, sees our pain and wants whats good for us. With whatever He puts you through, he gives you the strength to overcome it. Don't quite understand? I'll explain.

     First and foremost, it's important to remember that the result that Allah subhanahu wata'ala wants from your hardship, is to bring you closer to Him. So when faced with a trial, reflect on your relationship with Allah (swt), and embrace the solitude. Just like there are bumps on the road to keep a drivers speed in check, Allah places trials in our life to wake us up and keep us in check. A part of Allah's wisdom in trying His creation is to help us increase our belief in Him, patience, and reliance on Him, for "Verily Allah does not change the condition of a person until they change the condition of themselves." So don't fret, as there are hidden blessings in trials that you may not know, but Allah surely knows. Essentially it's a test of our faith and patience. Do we stand strong? Or do we fall back on our original self?

    Allah subhanahu wata3ala says in the Holy Quran, "On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear." He has tested people of the past and will continue testing His creation. An example of this can be seen in the transformation of a coal into a diamond. For a coal to become a diamond, it requires certain environmental conditions - specifically deep down under active volcanoes, in very high pressure and heat over a certain period of time. The coal no matter how hard it wants to be, could not become a diamond on its own. With the aid of heat and pressure (otherwise known as trials), a miraculous change occurs. From the depths of despair, something exquisite becomes. Rising above the trials and circumstances produces the purest, toughest, and brightest rock known to mankind. Just like that coal, Allah tests your faith and patience under pressure, promising you with the comfort that He won't give you what you can't bare. All it takes is a little time, and tawakkul. It's often through these hardships that result in a better us, and cure us as individuals.

 قال الله تعالى "يا داود أنت تريد وأنا أريد فإن رضيت بما أريد أعطيتك ما تريد وإن لم 

".ترضى بما أريد أتعبتك فيما تريد ثم لا يكون إلا ما أريد فإنى فعال لما أريد

Allah (swt) said "Oh Dawud, you desire and I desire. If you are satisfied with what I desire then I will give you what you desire and if you are not satisfied with what I desire I will make you weary with what you desire and then only what I desire will be. Verily, I do what I desire."

Upcoming post:

Exclusive interview with Muslim women of diverse backgrounds and ages on marriage proposals. Comment below anonymously with questions you want directed to them. Hoping to bridge gaps inshallah and cover myths and misconceptions.

Top 10 Elements of a Charming Muslim Man

  Yup, I went there...

  This is a blog. You can take it with a grain of salt, or you can take it and run.

   This next list is not "Top 10 desirable traits in a husband" or "Top 10 traits that attract women", it's a list brought up after consulting many young women and taking inspiration from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that tries to dissect elements of that charming man with a special presence about him. Charming, not prince Charming that is, but as in someone who can be described with adjectives such as "noble", "sharp", "gentle","considerate","engaging" ,"devoted", "thoughtful" and many more of that category. All of these traits fit into one mysterious code that was difficult for us to decipher since we understood the vibe that came with this type of individual and agreed on it, but had a hard time deciding what the basic elements of that vibe was. You will find overlap in this list with the "Top 10 elements of a beautiful Muslima" list. You will also find this list applicable to women as well. That's because we believe character building is independent of gender. Nevertheless, this list is more specifically directed towards men (from young women's perspective) only because that way it can be most relatable and realistic.

  What you'll be surprised to know is that these elements are not physical in nature. Even elements like humour and confidence are not included. Some things are a matter of personality differences and thus we didn't think could be basic elements. We all agreed on material success and physical attractiveness as hardly an indicator of this vibe we spoke of. We tried to dissect elements of particular men who stood out in character to us. The ordering is not nearly as important as the full incorporation of all the elements.

Here's our list of top 10 elements of a charming Muslim man:

10. Not afraid to smile:

   His smile nearly never leaves his face and it's directed to everyone. Not in a creepy way or anything. But in a compassionate way to young and elderly alike. A smile is a symbolic act of vulnerability because it often calls for reciprocation which can be an intimidating and scary thought so we avoid it sometimes. But that's why it's charity and this man knows this very well and isn't afraid of being vulnerable or appearing "feminine" to others because his smiles and salams are first and foremost, directed to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When you smile to your brother's face, it is charity."

9. Understands the significance of language:

  Knows the power of language on others and chooses persuasion over assertion of opinion. Does not need to use foul language to make a point either. Speaks on point and is articulate.

  Persuasion was a fundamental tool that the Prophet (peace be upon him) used to correct his companions’ mistakes. It is reported that a man from Banu Fazarah came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said: 'My wife has given birth to a black boy' - and he wanted to disown him. He said:

         'Do you have camels?'

         He said: 'Yes.'

         Prophet (pbuh) said: 'What color are they?'

         He said: 'Red.'

         Prophet (pbuh): 'Are there any gray ones among them?

         He said: 'There are some gray camels among them.'

         Prophet (pbuh): 'Why is that do you think?'

         He said: 'Perhaps it is hereditary.'

         Prophet (pbuh): 'Perhaps this is hereditary.' And he did not permit him to disown him. (An-Nasa’i)

  What I find fascinating in this particular example is the method in which the prophet (pbuh) chose to relay this piece of information. He issued questions which gave the man a sense of control and asked for his opinion regarding the matter with "why is that do you think?" He also mirrored the words of the man saying "perhaps this is hereditary" which gives a sense of relatedness and results in effective persuasion. Also, using the word "perhaps" keeps the issue open to discussion. No mind games here. Since the prophet (pbuh) could have easily given him a one sentence response and there could have been nothing wrong with that. But he was gentle subhanallah and knew the power of language on others.

8. Is generous:

   Relax. No one's talking about your wallet. Although these times are tough on all of us and those who are able to give zakat have their reward with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa). Generosity lies with one's ability to give time and effort to others' concerns or needs. A man who is willing to sacrifice from what he has in time, wealth and energy into others for the sake of Allah and not for his own egocentric desires naturally possesses a vibe of positive energy that drives people to want his company. Oftentimes, we confuse our intentions and perhaps without realizing it, carry out favors for others or share our knowledge in the pursuit of appearing in a good light. The way to know whether you fall into that category is to ask yourself of how often you help out someone in need or share knowledge when it is of inconvenience to you. And when no one is watching.

 "Never will you attain the good [reward] until you spend [in the way of Allaah] from that which you love..."[Quran 3: 92]     

Narrarated Abdullah bin Umar: Allah Apostle (Prophet Muhammad pbuh) said, "a Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection." (Sahih Bukhari)

7. Comfortable with expressing his feminine side:

    Is comfortable enough with his character to know that possessing traits or asserting behavior typically ascribed to women does not make him less of a man. Because his manhood is not tied to gender stereotypes.

   The Prophet's beloved wife, A'ishah, said of her selfless husband :

"He always joined in household chores and would at times mend his clothes, repair his shoes and sweep the floor. He would milk, tether and feed his animals."(Bukhari)

6. Has little to hide:

   A man who doesn't have a wall up on display is quite comfortable with his faults as well as his merits. He does not mask his true feelings in order to appear masculine and is a transparent honest communicator. Recognizing one's insecurities and being confident expressing vulnerability has an appeal like nothing else. This is not about revealing everything because there are some things which should stay private between you and Allah (subhanu w ta'laa). But it's about acknowledging it exists and not being ashamed of these flaws and being open to working on ourselves for the sake of Allah that matters. Not anyone's opinion.

Abdullah Ibn Masoud (May allah be pleased with him) related, `A man came to the Prophet and said: `O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.' Umar Ibn al-Khattab (May allah be pleased with him) then said: `Allah had kept your secret, why did you not keep your secret?' [Sahih Muslim]

 This man came to the prophet (peace be upon him) with an embarrassing fact that he was ashamed of. However, he had enough taqwa and fear of Allah to expose this secret in order to get a shot at repentance and to figure out the truth and the punishment for his actions. We find out later that this act in itself was unnecessary, but seeing this man put Allah's judgement first and foremost before his reputation and ego says something.

It was narrated that Aslam, the freed slave of 'Umar ibn al-

Khattab (4^,) said: "Some merchants came to Madeenah and camped

in the prayer-place. 'Umar said to 'Abdur-Rahman ibn 'Awf, 'Shall

we go and guard them tonight?' He said, 'Yes.' So they guarded them

overnight. They prayed and 'Umar heard a child crying. He went

towards him and said to his mother, 'Fear Allah and look after your

child.' Then he went back to his place. At the end of the night, he

heard the child crying again, so he went to his mother and said to her,

'Woe to you, what a bad mother you are! Why has your child not

stopped crying all night?' She said, 'O' slave of Allah, I am

distracting him from nursing but he refuses to accept that.' He said,

'Why?' She said, 'Because 'Umar does not give a stipend except to

children who are weaned.' 'Umar had allocated a stipend to every

child who was weaned. He said, 'How old is this son of yours?' She

said, 'So many months.' He said, 'Woe to you, do not hasten to wean

him.' When he prayed Fajr, the people could not hear his recitation

clearly because of his weeping. He said, 'Woe, to 'Umar, how many

of the Muslims' children has he killed?' Then he ordered a caller to

cry out: 'Do not hasten to wean your children, for we will give a

stipend to every child bom in Islam, ' and he wrote instructions to that

effect to all regions."

  Notice the transparent nature of Umar Ibn AlKhattab who was known for his strength yet was sensitive to other's needs and did not let his reputation mask his true feelings. His ability to admit his mistakes is also inspiring.

5. Practices gentleness:

 

   Practices gentleness with women, elderly and children. It quite easy for people to figure out who's doing it for show and who really means it. But at the end of the day, your intention is yours and other people's opinions shouldn't effect your treatment.

   

 

Whenever the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) passed by children, he tried to be the first to greet them and say “Assalaamu Alaikum.” When riding he would let children sit on his camel or donkey. 

In some prayers, the Prophet (peace be upon him) read long Surahs. But if he heard a baby crying, he would read a short Surah and say a short prayer.

Prophet (peace be upon him) used to teach children that failure doesn't exist. Narrated Anas: "I served The Prophet for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying,"Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?" (Sahih Albukhari)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) loved to play with children. He made them stand in a straight line, then he himself stood at a distance, spread his hands and told the children, “Come running to me. Whoever touches me first will get a prize,” they would all come, running and breathless. When they reached the Prophet (peace be upon him), they would fall all over him. He enjoyed this sport, gave prizes of dates and sweets to the winners and hugged and kissed the participants.

4. Grounded belief:

   Muslim men do not necessarily need to have an indicator of their religion in their dress. While many sisters would argue that this is easier on them, it comes with its own disadvantages. A Muslim woman can wear a higab and a long dress and in this way becomes a symbol of Islam to the public and her behavior can oftentimes be associated with her religion whether or not this is the case. This makes issues such as gender relations for example much easier for her since men know not to shake her hand or make inappropriate gestures towards her. I say this because a Muslim man may have a harder time asserting his beliefs and integrating them into his lifestyle. The key solution to this issue is consistency. A man who has confidence in his core beliefs and is consistent in his treatment and behaviour, regardless of who he encounters, wears his Islam on his sleeve and that becomes his label.

3. Knows when to be dominant and when to relinquish control:

    This point is very similar to number 3 in the "Top 10 elements of a beautiful Muslima". It also means taking some matters with a sense of ease and flexibility. Being ready to take control when you are needed and when circumstances ask for your assistance is a great thing to have. It's also pretty awesome if a man also knows when to relinquish control and let others try things on their own. Even when deep down inside, he knows he's a better fit for the job. This is very much related to number 1, but don't peek just yet.

2. Passion and thirst for knowledge:

    Now is my chance to bust a myth running around. Some may assume that the degree/career of an individual is a direct indication of their character. So one with a more prestigious degree is perceived as more competent or eligible in the eyes of others. That's actually not the case. All of  the women I spoke to agreed on this. A degree is nice to have under your belt for your future and for financial purposes. But the "charming" man we speak of won't be made with a degree. That secret ingredient is passion. Passion to take on a meaningful purpose with a goal in mind. Ultimately the goal must be oriented towards serving Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa) and we agree on getting married, having a career and starting a family as not falling under the passion category. A man who has a selfless passion wants to leave behind something in this life for future generations and is willing to go as far as sacrificing his lifetime for this passion. He also has no time for senseless drama and how he is perceived by society. He has a vibe of focused positive energy and he brings this energy into his family. Passion must come with a thirst for knowledge as well. This man reads books. The Quran being his number one book.

“Read! In the Name of your Lord Who has created (all that exists).

He has created man from a clot (a piece of thick coagulated blood).

Read! And your Lord is the Most Generous.

Who has taught (the writing) by the pen.

He has taught man that which he knew not”

[al-‘Alaq 96:1-5] 

“It is only those who have knowledge among His slaves that fear Allah”

[Faatir 35:28] 

 The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “When a man dies, all his deeds come to an end except for three – an ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge or a righteous son who will pray for him.” (Muslim)

1. Modesty: 

  Arrogance can kill any character. So it's our number one. To add to the point from the previous list, modesty can mean taking time to listen with the heart. The prophet (peace be upon him) used to direct his whole body towards who was speaking to him and would not turn his face away or leave the meeting before the other did. How many times in our life did we kneel down for a child, look him in the eye and let him speak?

 Arrogance can come in unexpected forms. For example, a woman visits her friend's modest home and begins bragging about the thousands of dollars she spent on her wedding. That is one indirect way of expressing arrogance. It's always important to be mindful of the person we are speaking to as much as possible.

  In surat elkahf, it tells a story of a man who Allah has blessed with green fields and good fortune in which one of them stated that it would never perish. This is arrogance towards Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa) which was labeled as shirk when he put himself and his fortune before Allah's might. The story of the prophet Musa (Alayhi asslam) and Al-Khidr also teaches us about never being too sure and too proud in the face of Allah.

“Musa said to him (Khidr): “May I follow you so that you teach me something of that knowledge (guidance and true path) which you have been taught (by Allah)? But no one knows its true meanings except Allah” (Alkahf, 18:66)

Top 10 Elements of a Beautiful Muslima

     
    I wish to find another word besides "beautiful" for this list. I need a word that hasn't been abused and misused. Nowadays, "beautiful" means that woman with the physical appeal of a cartoon barbie. Narrow waist, baby features, long hair and a thin figure. How limiting...

     I need a word that combines adjectives like "glowing", "intriguing", "magnificent", "enchanting", "mesmerizing", "engaging", "captivating", "loving", "endearing", "sensitive", "charming" and "devoted" ... okay you get me. We're not talking about the usual characteristics here. What makes a woman sparkle from the rest? So I set to figure this out driving inspiration from the great women who lived among the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and from the prophet himself, from women around me and from my deepest desires in who I aspire to become. We could easily touch on elements such as confidence, honesty, respect, care etc... But I wanted to send a very specific list to make the image more vivid and close to home. I also had a hard time ordering these elements. I only did it to make this more engaging but all of them should be incorporated into one description.

   You could argue this list is unachievable or may not reflect who you are as a person. I don't agree with changing for anyone, or any list in this case, either. But perhaps we can make our own interpretation of this list according to our desires and to suit our personalities. What limits us from our potential is most of the time, ourselves. There's a voice inside of us that tells us we're not good enough or that this is not something for me. But remember, that this is the same method employed by Shaitan (the devil). The moment we decide to leave our bad habits and seek greater closeness to Allah (subhanahu w ta'laa), he tells us we're hypocrites and this is not who we really are. Allah, the All Mighty can forgive and give us a second chance, so why don't we do ourselves the favor by forgiving ourselves and starting anew. They say "fake it till you make it", I heard a TEDX speaker say "fake it till you be it".


Here's my list to describe the elements of the golden lady:


10. Smiles with her eyes:

      Is animated with honest facial expression. Psychology tells us the truth is in the eyes. A smiling woman whose eyes say more than her words has an appeal like no other. A woman whose expressions in general are a true indication of her feelings has a charisma and charm about her that can't be faked. If you can't get yourself to smile in everyone's face in this manner then you don't have to. If you don't feel it, don't express it. But if you do, make it known.

9.  Is clever and witty:

     Has a sharp tongue that speaks on point. But never in intention of hurting anyone. This woman knows the value of time and uses words from her lexicon to speak truth and righteousness  She is never "chatty" and trying constantly to fill silence with talk. Added bonus if she's spontaneous and unpredictable.

    Bukhari narrated a Hadith in which Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said ‘The Prophet’s talk [was so little] that you can count his words’ (peace be upon him)

8. Has an element of mystery:

    She always leaves people guessing. Not intentionally or anything. But perhaps because she has a clear barrier set between what is personal and what is public. With social media, she never reveals inappropriate information about her relationships, feelings and desires. She has an appreciation for artistic expression and she may have some hidden talents. Basically, with every sit-down with this woman, comes new discoveries. Never in a boastful manner.

7. Says what she feels and never exaggerates:

    Says only what her heart senses. Won't say "I love you" when she doesn't feel it and will vice versa express, the moment of, whenever she appreciates something. A woman who can honestly compliment others without exaggeration and in private as well as public demands respect. There is nothing more irritating than when intentions are hidden and the person in front of you cannot be read. But before we go pointing fingers, we have to acknowledge our faults first and where we can go about being more honest. 

6. Does not seek validation:

    Other people's approval does not effect her opinion of herself. Is motivated by her devotion to Allah and acts according to what is permissible in her religion first, then consults herself and maybe her dear friends and family. When she seeks to accomplish something, does it fearlessly and waits for no one to pat her on the back. Her reward (ajr) lies with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa). Validation for other things that are physical are insignificant to her self-concept. If she's a physically attractive lady, will not let anyone's compliments sway her from differentiating herself from the rest and losing sight of her humanity.
    
5. An effective communicator:

   A smart woman is able to adjust her language to suit whomever she in communicating with.   Meaning she can speak and behave with others on a relatable level without sacrificing any of her core values or personality characteristics. The prophet (peace be upon him) was able to communicate with all age groups at their level, but never in a patronizing manner. It can be as simple as choosing speaking points that are interesting to the other. The prophet (peace be upon him) used to ask Abu Umair, who was a young boy at the time, about his bird every time they would meet. There's nothing more beautiful than a woman who can have the easiness of a child when she is in their company.

  “He (PBUH) was merciful to children; Anas said, “I have never seen anyone kinder to one’s family than God’s Messenger…” There was a young child called Abu Umair who was breeding a small bird; the Prophet called the bird An-Nughair (nightingale) and he used to say to him: “O Abu Umair!  What did An-Nughair do?”  Once, Abu Umair was crying and the Prophet asked him why he was crying. He told the Prophet that An-Nughair, the bird, had died!  The Prophet (PBUH) played with Abu Umair in Medina streets. Passing by, the Companions saw the Prophet playing with a child and asked what he was doing!  He (PBUH) said that An-Nughair had died; he wanted to console Abu Umair.  He played with Abu Umair who was grieiving over his bird’s death!  Abu Umair was the brother of Anas ibn Malik, the Prophet’s servant!  He (PBUH) went to his servant’ house to console his younger brother!  How merciful!”

4. Confidence in core values:

   Confidence is always key. Yet, it does not have to be present in every aspect of our personality traits. A woman who has confidence in her core values and morals and does nothing to compromise them demands respect. She never makes exceptions on matters that are not permissible in her faith. This seems quite intuitive yet it is more difficult than it seems. For a woman to be consistent in her behavior and treatment with everyone, she must possess a strong sense of self and an independent mind. Our confidence should be made with trust in Allah. The more we trust our Islam and come to appreciate it, the more we realize we have nothing to gain from pleasing others and only from pleasing Allah.

3.Willingness to learn:

    Oftentimes, we become so entrenched in our own "fields of specialty" we lose sight of how much out there we have yet to learn. This can lead to rigidity, stubbornness and sometimes arrogance. A woman who is willing to learn from others who are more and less experienced than she is has something special about her. She can watch her husband, for example, spend hours putting together furniture she is familiar with only to give him hints here and there. She does not need to boast about her knowledge and yet is able to give it when she is needed.  Which reminds me of another example. That thirty year old unmarried professional woman who's got a degree and a job and thinks "men are intimidated by her" or that "she's out of their league". Perhaps we need a new sense of open mindedness and we need to learn how to share knowledge at the appropriate time. 

2. Secret worship:

   Wears her iman on her sleeve, not her tongue. I think that makes my point.

1. Modesty:

   Lack of modesty can break anyone. The ego creeps up on us quite often. I don't believe that there is ever one point in someone's life where they can confidently say that they are a modest person. It is a characteristic that takes consistent work to maintain. We must put ourselves in the shoes of those we meet on a daily basis and ask "did I make them feel less than?" Arrogance in Islam is defined as rejecting the truth and putting oneself at a higher position than the rest.

Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “No one who has the weight of a mustard seed of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.” Someone said, “Indeed, a man loves to have beautiful clothes and shoes.” So the Prophet said, “Verily, Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty. Arrogance means rejecting the truth and looking down on people.”

   A mustard seed?! That could be one look down on your mother, or a child, or a homeless person or a disabled individual. It would be a shame to come so close to the doors of heaven only to have them shut in front of you because you believed once that you were better than anyone else. Keep in mind that arrogance does not pertain to one's dress. Although the prophet (peace be upon him) used to be indistinguishable from the companions that even foreigners had a hard time locating him. 

But, how do we become nonjudgmental and more modest? 

   During the prophet's (peace be upon him) time, there was one man who used to appear drunk to the public in the daytime and the companions at one point wanted to issue him a punishment. The prophet (peace be upon him) addressed them and said "Do not curse him, for I swear by Allah, if you only knew just how very much indeed he loves Allah and His Messenger." 

He then added:

"Do not help Satan against your brother."(Al-Bukhari)

  Let us realize that Allah's mercy is vast and never ending. Only He has the power to conceal our faults and forgive us on the day of judgement. Some of us who judge others for sinning have put themselves at a high status, thinking that they are fairer than Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa). When we judge, we judge others for their exposed sins while we ourselves have hidden sins that would shame us if they were to ever be exposed to the world. Always thank Allah for his mercy on us and always have mercy on others. Leave the judging to Him.