Why Calling Someone "Religious" is Problematic

  We've all used it before; the sacred "R" word.

   Used to classify people into two broad groups, depending on the intention and whom we are speaking to; and is almost never used when we are talking about someone similar to ourselves. One group comprises the holy sheikh(a) or imaam imagery - with a beard or higab, modest apparel and their constant reminders of the deen to others. This group is seen as "practicing" and can be associated with positive adjectives to describe them as guiding angels whom we would like to consider the sisters "like our mothers" and so forth. Some of us look up to them and see them as untouched beings with a raised status to an unattainable position; whereby no matter how hard we work on becoming close to these folks in character, we are bound to fail because of their years of experience and knowledge in Islam and our deterministic past and shameful history, not to mention the way they can dare to dress differently and own it.

     And then there's a slightly different association; one that involves themes of rigidity, bigotry, extremism and savagery. This can be seen in the most subtle of ways and will not be expressed directly by the user. This association is made by some who perceive themselves of those who highly value science and technology and the advancement of culture and cannot fathom or accept the merging of religion and modernity. These are not atheist per se, but those who see religion as a flexible and practical belief, rather than a solid book of basic standards. These same folk may consider themselves to be the "right" Muslims and with that belief they placed an imaginary line between them and other Muslims whom they believe do not fit their category. This is unrelated to sects in Islam, but I mean to shed light on our hidden intentions of our use of the word "religious" to describe somebody.

     Now, what is the problem with these associations if they are correct, you may ask? Well, the first issue is our cocky confidence in that they are. Our inability to relinquish control over the boxes which we've placed other people in leads ourselves to become the opposite of what we preach for others to avoid becoming; rigid and downright judgmental. We become extremely confident of our judgement - so much so we cannot accept a member we've placed in one category to fit into another. If a "moderate" Muslim begins wearing the higab or donning a beard, they are not being themselves, and we see them as being hypocrites; all while we watch them and remain stationary - having full satisfaction that the way we perceive our religion is the most righteous. On the other hand, when we look up to a person for their Deen, we forgive their mistakes more easily - or scrutinize and analyze them - and we grant them bigger and better opportunities at being leaders of the faith in our communities; all while forgetting ourselves and widening the gap between us and themselves. We must remember that Islam has only truly taken form in a person in the case of the prophet muhammed (peace be upon him); when we label others as "religious", we let them become our ambassadors of Islam and therefore their shortcomings can become an excuse for some to stay away from bettering their deen. They say:"look at what religion does, how can I follow in their footsteps?" We must never compare our deen to others and we must look upon our character as a constant work in progress. If Allah (swt) can forgive the biggest of sins, then why don't we begin by forgiving ourselves and following through and believing His promise? Ultimately, we will be judged by Allah (swt) in front of all His creations for our true actions and intentions, so look forward to that and don't hesitate to make those changes in your life to please Him and Him only.

     When we judge others for what we perceive is in their hearts, we hand over control and omniscience to ourselves and not our Lord- an illusion of it that is. We are indirectly expressing to Allah (swt) that we are just as capable or even more so than Him -istagfarallah- at figuring people out. We've also indirectly stated to the world how much of our time  is spent thinking about the business of others rather than our own selves. For wallahi, if each of us was to carry on looking inwards instead of out at others, we would find no time and no energy to place on anyone but ourselves. Keeping a critical eye and mind on others is also keeping a critical eye and mind away from ourselves. 

     Shirk is often seen as polytheism and nothing more. Yet, we fail to realize that our ego can oftentimes be worshiped and followed as a deity and perceived in the same manner. We must always practice modesty, humility and self-reflection in order to improve our deen. If you feel comfortable comparing yourself to the prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) in character, then go ahead and judge others. But you won't be I'm sure; and even the prophet (peace be upon him) himself told us to leave judging the contents of other's hearts to Allah (swt) and even in situations where he knew the ill intentions of those in front of him (from Allah), he was asked to be fair and to treat them based on their outwardly manner.

      Abu Ma'bad al-Miqdad ibn al-Aswad said, "I asked the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, 'What do you think if I meet a man of the unbelievers and we fight and he strikes one of my hands with his sword and cuts it off and then takes shelter from me behind a tree and says, "I have surrendered to Allah." Should I kill him, Messenger of Allah, after he has said that?' He said, 'Do not kill him.' I said, 'Messenger of Allah, he cut off one of my hands and then said it after he cut it off!' He said, 'Do not kill him. If you kill him, then he is in the position you were in before you killed him and you are in the position he was in before he said the words he said.'" [Agreed upon]

     Usama ibn Zayd said, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, sent us to al-Huraqa, a sub-tribe of Juhayna, and we came upon the people in the morning at their springs. A man of the Ansar and I overtook one of their men. When we descended on him, he said, 'There is no god but Allah.' The Ansari held back from him, but I stabbed him with my spear until I had killed him. When we arrived in Madina, that reached the Prophet and he said, 'O Usama, did you kill him after he had said, "There is no god but Allah"?' I said, 'Messenger of Allah, he was only trying to save himself.' He said, 'Did you kill him after he had said, "There is no god but Allah"?' He continued to repeat it to me until I wished that I had not become Muslim until that day." [Agreed upon]

     In one variant, "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'Did he say, "There is no god but Allah" and yet you still killed him?' I said, 'Messenger of Allah, he only said it out of fear of our weapons.' He said, 'Did you then split open his heart so that you know whether he truly meant it when he said it or not?' He continued to repeat it until I wished that I had only become Muslim on that day." [Agreed upom]

   Another valuable source to gain insight on judgement of character are the Sahabas (RA) whom after the passing of the prophet (peace be upon him), were left with no indication of the intentions of others from Allah. To understand the way they lived their days sheds light on the manner in which they were harsh on themselves and their own intentions first and foremost, and how they struggled to match up to the prophet (peace be upon him). If his companions struggled, then how are we so comfortable?

'Abdullah ibn 'Utba ibn Mas'ud reported that he heard 'Umar ibn al-Khattab say, "Some people were dealt with by the revelation in the time of the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. The revelation has ceased. Now we deal with you according to what is clear to us from your actions. If anyone shows us good, we trust him and honour him. We know nothing of his inward. Allah will call him to reckoning in respect of his inward. If anyone shows us evil, we do not trust him and do not believe him, even if he says that his inward is good." [al-Bukhari]


   During the prophet's (peace be upon him) time, there was one man who used to appear drunk to the public in the daytime and the companions at one point wanted to issue him a punishment. The prophet (peace be upon him) addressed them and said "Do not curse him, for I swear by Allah, if you only knew just how very much indeed he loves Allah and His Messenger." 

He then added:

"Do not help Satan against your brother."(Al-Bukhari)

Click here to subscribe to Random Rants and be the first to receive new entries via e-mail!

Sister's Speak: A Muslima's Common Boy Problems (Part 2)

6. How do I handle myself with him now that I'm engaged?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

     This really depends on your comfort zone and your engagement itself. So I can't impose the boundaries for you cause I'm not sure what you mean by engagement. However, it's important to know that this is the time for the both of you to truly get to know one another. So don't treat him like a stranger but don't forget he's not your brother either. Both of you need to begin challenging each other's thinking and to ask the tough questions which get you delving deeply into the way you each think of yourselves and the world. So focus on valuable conversation and skip the same old superficial matters. Questions that ask about the purpose of things he does and his opinion on the world around him reflect his outlook on life. You are looking for a father to your children, so it's important to get a good look into his character. On another note, the engagement is not marriage, so save the intimacy for later and be careful to maintain the necessary boundaries.

Your_Fairy_God_mother:

     Engagement is a time to get to know one another. Unless you are legally married, it is meant to be like a halal dating period, where you get to find out as much as you can about the person and their family, while maintaining Islamic boundaries at all times.


7. When is it time to speak with intimate matters with my fiance?

     Random Rants of a Muslima:

      I speak with nothing set in stone here, so just take some of this with a grain of salt and consult your own sources. Your fiance is considered a non-muhram in Islam until you are both married; this means you may speak only with a muhram present. So if you have something to tell your fiance before the wedding and you don't want others knowing, let him know to wait until you're both married and together to discuss these intimate matters and to ensure consent. That way he's aware not to make any assumptions on your behalf. As for when you marry, I believe that a mature and assertive woman should be able to state how she would like to be treated, especially with regards to the first time together. I say this because it's best that the expectations of both parties are known in order to avoid violating the other's comfort zone. If this is too difficult for you, then how can you act upon something you cannot speak of? If you don't express what you prefer, then what you prefer will be assumed by your partner, and you may not be on the same page. If you are shy, your silence is his permission according to the sunnah. Wa Allahu a'lam. 

It is related from Abu Hurayra that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "A previously married woman should not be married until she has been consulted. A virgin is not married until she is asked for her permission." They said, "Messenger of Allah, how does she give permission?" He replied, "It is when she is silent."

It is related that 'A'isha said, "Messenger of Allah, a virgin is shy!" He said, "Her consent is her silence."

Your_Fairy_God_mother:

     Once you have done your katb ktab, when you are legally married. (Shortly before the wedding) .

8. A guy who pursued my friend is now pursuing me. What do I do?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

    Hmm... just thinking about this question makes my head full of clashing arguments, so I'm going to say there is no clear answer. I'm trying to find some sources in the sunnah and I can't find any indication that this would be a prohibited matter, and it doesn't make sense for it to be, frankly. I can't elaborate further on the Islamic reference regarding this, so please consult your own sources.

    As for my personal opinion or approach to this situation, I would firstly consider what exactly constitutes this man's relationship with the woman before you. Because you wouldn't be asking this question if you did not have an inclination to this man, otherwise you would reject his proposal, which I am hoping it is just that and not an open-ended relationship. If this man pursued the woman in a halaal manner, then this is an indication that he may be true with his intentions towards you as well. It's a good idea to consult your friend to find this out and to see how she feels about this. What I find fascinating is men's obsession with the "bro code" and the phrase "bros before h*es" and Muslim men are not exempt from this practice. Some men choose not to pursue or consider a woman whom their friend found an interest in, so I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but that it's always up to you and what makes you feel comfortable.

Your_Fairy_God_mother:

    I have no idea. I'm curious to know what Random Rants thinks of this question.


9. I'm coming of age. How do I find my man?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

     This sounds like a funny question at first but has some serious dimensions to it. As human beings, we like to have control over things in our life. So much so, there is strong correlates between one's perceived level of control and happiness. However, as Muslims, we know that this is merely an illusion, and that control of all matters is first and foremost, a product of Allah's command and allowance. Here's a good source with verses and ahadeeth related to qadar (destiny). So all the good and bad that befalls you is written in the books with Allah. We've got to face the fact that there is no planning or persuading anyone to fall in love or marry another, and that if it happens then it is a result of guidance from Allah and not the product of any person's work. So instead of worrying about what you have no control over and risking to fall for fitna and other things that may sway you from the right path, just look towards Him. And if He happens to test you with no marriage in your future, then He tests you out of love and this is your jihad.

Narrated Abu Huraira; I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I am a young man and I am afraid that I may commit illegal sexual intercourse and I cannot afford to marry." He kept silent, and then repeated my question once again, but he kept silent. I said the same (for the third time) and he remained silent. Then repeated my question (for the fourth time), and only then the Prophet said, "O Abu Huraira! The pen has dried after writing what you are going to confront. So (it does not matter whether you) get yourself castrated or not." (Castration is forbidden in Islam)      Now for what you can do as a Muslimah; work on your character. Learn from the prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) on the best of manners and work towards his example. Your_Fairy_God_mother:

     Once you are sure you are ready, I would suggest having a serious conversation with your parents. Let them know you are now completely serious about finding a suitable life partner.
From there, inshaAllah you will be able to enlist their help and begin your journey. Through the help and guidance of your parents, you can look into the many different routes of finding a spouse; be it through mutual friends in the community, halal marriage websites, or maybe by getting your parents on board with someone you met at school or work.


10. He promises he'll marry me and I'm turning down proposals for him. Am I doing the right thing?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

     Oh man, that's a tough place to be in. But I'm not going to make things simple and rosy when they aren't, so forgive me ahead of time. A promise for marriage in Islam is the engagement itself, and in order for a marriage to be complete, one of the conditions is that the woman must not be engaged to anyone else. I'm guessing he hasn't approached your parents for approval, because if they approved of him then you are obligated to turn down other proposals until this engagement is settled and completed or broken off. That being said, his mingling with you and his promise is unacceptable and invalid. He should know this and shouldn't be obligating you to turn down these proposals. If you feel like you're turning down proposals for him and not for yourself then that's a problem. Although things seem to be in a perfect plan right now, continuing this secret relationship with this man may be clouding your vision for the future. Make no exceptions to your standards as a Muslim woman, regardless of what anyone tells you. Are we twisting our faith to suit others and ourselves or are we accepting and submissive to Allah's word?

Your_Fairy_God_mother:

     If you feel he is the one for you, is mature, realistic, has been met and approved by your family (maybe had an unwritten agreement), and is making a clear effort to stabilize himself financially and to settle down, then maybe you should consider it. Be careful and realistic though. His promise should soon begin to translate into action. If you feel he is slacking on his promise and seems to be very hesitant or unsure about it, you must have enough self-respect and common sense to know when to move on.

we'll make a part 2 to this post if we get requests to do so. You may post your question below anonymously and we'll try our best inshAllah.

Click here to subscribe to Random Rants and be the first to receive new entries via e-mail!

Sister's Speak: A Muslima's Common Boy Problems

     Istaghfarallah. Boy problems?! We don't have such thing in Islam!


     How dare I write about something so provocative, right?

   If I wanted to write about things that hint vaguely at matters then I wouldn't have bothered to establish this blog in the first place. We've covered topics from marriage proposals to racism to other realities within our Muslim communities and we're not about to stop there. We're here to discuss those issues that others pretend don't exist. And this one is important and here's why:

    Our sisters are going through a crisis of control when it comes to "finding" their spouse. With individualism and value of personal independence rising for the Muslim woman, she slowly begins to harness control in her life matters and if I must say, does an awesome job at it. Us women succeed in many areas in the social and professional world when we try hard enough. Yet, when it comes to marriage, Muslim women are expected to "wait" for "him" to come. This frustrates many women and so they seek indirect ways of showing interest and getting the ball rolling. 

     Unfortunately, that doesn't always spell halal. This is ultimately a personal choice and it's not up to me to dictate to you, or women in general, as to how they should go about this process. What we will try to cover, however, is areas where we are either 1) compromising our basic principles and values in this quest to find "the man" or 2) reading into a man's intentions in a different manner than they were intended. And frankly, I am tired of healing my fellow sister's broken hearts. I'm sure we all are.

Our good intentions do not justify the means.

 I feel my purpose as an anonymous Muslima blogger, is to bridge worlds and offer insight where needed in our communities. Addressing these issues might enlighten my sisters (and ultimately is a reminder to me as well) on the answers to common questions they desperately crave, yet cannot find on other sites. Again, I give my perspective and opinion and at the end of the day it's up to you. You can take it with a grain of salt or you can take it and run.

   
In order to offer a holistic perspective as much as possible, I answered these questions alongside a dear friend, she is referred to in this article as Your_fairy_God_mother.



Here's some of the most common questions Muslima's face in the quest to find "The One":


1. He's trying to talk to me online and we've never met or talked to each other before. What do I do?

 Random Rants of a Muslima:

   Well, perhaps before thinking of what you should do, first think of what you want to do. If you're asking yourself this question, chances are you're interested in him (otherwise you would have totally ignored this stranger) and if he's taking time to try and start small talk with you and get personal when he doesn't have to, chances are he's also interested. Whether or not his interest is based on good intention will not be known unless he tells you directly what his intention is. And even then, you can never be too trusting or sure. There's nothing wrong with sharing an interest but here's where you gotta be careful; the online experience doesn't compare to the real deal. When a man is truly interested in a woman for marriage, his first instinct is to make sure he doesn't lose this woman to anyone else (I call it the dibs theory). So this means he will look for a way to let you know as soon as he can. And if he can't find a way to you in person, he may do it online (especially if he lacks confidence in this field). However, if he can't get through to you online and has solid pure intentions, he'll find another way don't you worry. So if you want to be sure of his intention, I suggest steering away from online communication since it can also lead to fitna; not to mention, when you post online it stays in the web forever. Don't worry about him, he'll be okay. You won't hurt his feelings I promise (no I can't really promise but it doesn't matter cause pleasing Allah should come first and foremost).

Your_Fairy_God_Mother:

I’m about to sound like your mom for a second BUT: First, be very, very careful when speaking to ANYONE you have only met online, regardless of gender. Never release any personal/private information you wouldn't be comfortable having the general public knowing, and always ask a parent or someone you trust if you are unsure whether someone looks sketchy or you feel unsafe by something the person said. Pay attention to your intuition, as your gut feelings about someone may be more correct than you think. Second, pay attention to the legitimacy of this person online. Which website is this person using to try to reach you? For example, if the guy messages you on your profile on a legitimate Muslim Marriage site, it seems much more authentic then him poking you on Facebook or inboxing you “wIlL U Mak Ze FrIenDSHip wIIzzZ mEe?” Third, consider what the person is saying to you? If he is keeping it all halal and formal, and is messaging you respectfully to ask for your father’s contact information, that might be okay. If he is asking you whether midnight behind that (insert local coffee shop) works with you as a meeting location.. uhm, RUN! Fourth, ALWAYS get a mahram or parent involved. DO NOT KEEP ANY SECRETS. Have your family read over all messages that are being received, and have them help you along the way. In conclusion, sometimes online meetings do end up being useful tools to meet a future spouse, but be sure to always keep it halal, use extreme caution, trust your gut feelings, and get your parents involved asap!

2. My friend is asking for me to connect him/her to someone he/she is interested in, how do I go about this?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

    Ooh, you're in a tough position now. Cause you gotta be the fair middle man, don't you? You know both parties and now you feel obligated. But let me tell you something: if you don't feel fit to do this, then don't do it. There's two ways to go about this and I can't be the one to tell you the right from the wrong way, but you can either 1) introduce them briefly and connect them and leave it at that or 2) do your research and invest your time and energy in the two first. All I can say is this comes with an immense responsibility. The responsibility lies not in making sure the two have a rosy picture of each other and fall in love, marry and live happily ever after. From where I see it, the responsibility lies in ensuring no one's rights are transgressed and that everyone feels comfortable with everything. This means consulting both parties on how they would prefer to be arranged before going about it yourself. It's very easy to follow through on your own timeline and manner because your friends (on both ends) might be ones you've know for quite some time now; which can give you the idea that you've got some flexibility with the process. But you don't. The truth is, people vary widely on how they would like to be connected to someone that even years of friendship cannot always give you proper insight on their preference . And ultimately, people change their minds as well with the passing of time. What you can do, which is what I would do for myself if I was in your position, is to speak to both parties on the subject of marriage as a whole and whether they feel ready to pursue someone seriously and take some time to investigate; are they ready to ultimately start a family and take on the responsibility of being a father/mother? It's not up to you to hold anyone back if you feel they aren't ready, but you can guide him/her and give your advice to the other party of the status of the proposee (can I call them that?) by keeping careful to maintain transparency and honesty. Honesty is the best policy when handling these situations. Make sure to inform both parties of the steps you will take (based on their preference) and to take on each step at a time. Then comes another question; when will your job be complete? This really depends on the situation really. Bottom line is, make sure you know your boundaries and that will be based on what their preferences - so it's key to consult them. Another important thing to keep in mind is to always keep the sister in question dignified. Our culture assumes that the man will pursue the woman, so your job would be to guide him to her family, rather than to do all the exploring of the woman's profile yourself. This way, you ensure no one's rights are transgressed and that the line of information is discrete, direct and accurate.

Your_Fairy_God_Mother:

     First, this is a responsibility you have been given. Be sure to keep all information about your friend’s interest confidential, and be very respectful of your friend’s inquiry. Second, let the person being pursued know of your friend’s interest (respectfully and maturely), and urge them both to get their parents involved asap!



3. I've got a reputation for being too reserved. When is it time to let down my guard?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

     Congratulations. That's an awesome reputation to have. It means you're a proper woman who is comfortable and accepting of her boundaries with the opposite gender. Now whether or not you feel the need to change this, it's really up to you, I can't be the one to tell you how you should live your life. With regards to letting down your guard, it really depends on your definition of guard. If you feel that your shyness is impeding your movement and stopping you from pursuing your goals then perhaps you can practice slowly exposing yourself to more nerve wracking situations to lower your anxiety in the long run.  The best way to go about this is to practice public speaking. Truth is, many of us cannot just deny the existence of men around us. We see them at work and almost every place which requires social interaction so we must learn how to go about our day and fulfill our purpose without letting anyone stand in our way. But please do not allow anyone to enforce their standards upon you, it is ultimately up to you and what makes you comfortable. Those who speak of your reservation negatively are not the folk who hold the same values for you as you do for yourself, so don't worry about them. Letting down your guard will come naturally to you once you marry and that all depends on Allah's boundaries for us as women. This applies to men as well.

Your_Fairy_God_Mother:

Having a reputation for being reserved is NOT necessarily a negative thing. Just make sure it is not inhibiting you from being an active member of society, or is making you seem unapproachable. In our present time, it has unfortunately become the norm for girls and guys to be extremely open, loud, and to mingle freely with one another. Anyone who doesn't conform is wrongfully labeled as “reserved, cold, or weird.” This is in fact untrue as the standards for what is normal behavior with the opposite gender have been completely pushed beyond the boundary of what Islam finds acceptable. In fact, being reserved with the opposite gender is the way we Muslims are supposed to conduct ourselves, as modesty should be practiced as a part of our character, and is not only meant to be symbolized as a piece of cloth on our heads. However, although being reserved and modest with the opposite gender is in fact a very positive thing, just be sure it doesn’t disable you from being active in your community. You CAN work with guys RESPECTFULLY and have healthy, halal relationships that allow you to contribute to your community and grow as a person. Dealing with guys respectfully is a very important skill that is important to learn and develop to enable you to become a strong, well rounded woman. My recommendation would be to join an organization that has a safe, respectful working environment, in which you are able to contribute to society, and remain comfortable at the same time.

4. Can I maintain a friendship with a guy?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

     Let me make this clear, there is no way I can sugarcoat this for you, so here goes:

No. Never. 

     Friendships with men are selfish. Truth is, if a man is taking an ample time from his day to involve himself personally with you, to him this is an investment in the possibility of a future together. Or in some cases, just his play-time really, let's be frank here. Maintaining this friendship implies that you're okay with making exceptions to your standards and overstepping the boundries that Allah (swt) set between men and women for your own selfish desires to fulfill a hole in your life that this man brings. If you truly want what's best for this man you consider a friend, then end it for his sake before he falls in love with you or you fall in love with him and someone in the end is bound to get hurt. Women around the world, make no exceptions on your standards for anyone, no matter how trusting you think they are. There  are ultimately things happening behind your back that you will not be aware of. For example, he could be telling his friends of this relationship of yours and bragging about how much you're into him, regardless of whether you are or not. Bottom line is, sooner or later you'll regret this friendship when you marry, but the social networks and its damage would have already happened. Another thing to keep in mind, if you feel like you need his friendship, then this is an indication of something missing in your life, so find it. Let me give you a hint, He's always there and wants to hear you out and give you all that you want, at any time of the day.

Your_Fairy_God_Mother:

Easy answer: Don’t.
Let me elaborate here:
You can definitely be a FRIENDLY, pleasant human being to be around, but to be FRIENDS with a guy is much trickier. Friendship is an intimate relationship. Even if it starts off as innocent, and you feel confident with your boundaries and limitations, with time, these boundaries will slowly come tumbling down, and suddenly your friendship will progress like any other into a stronger, more dependent, intimate relationship. You will begin to know each other very well, enjoy and miss one another’s company when you aren’t around one another, and with time, feelings of attachment will begin to develop. This is only natural. It is inevitable that either you or the guy will start to develop feelings for one another, leading to confusion and awkwardness between you both. If you hopefully choose to end your friendship before it becomes on the verge of being a haram relationship, it will naturally cause you feelings of heartbreak and pain over losing a very important person in your life. If you choose to let it develop into a haram relationship, it will obviously only lead you down a wrong path. In the end, it will most likely end in a sticky, painful mess.
We are given a code of conduct to abide by in Islam, and it involves dealing with the opposite gender in a formal manner, rather than forming close friendships, I suggest we stick to that.

5. How do I know he's interested for marriage and not just playing around?

Random Rants of a Muslima:

   Sometimes it's hard to tell. But most Muslim men won't play around when they're interested in something serious. Or at least won't prolong this matter. Here's why; most men think of only one thing when they set their eyes on that girl who could be The One; which is that "I gotta make sure she doesn't end up with anyone else." So they will make the move pretty quickly and won't necessarily show any signs. Don't read too much into his actions you won't end up with the right conclusions. They will explain their true intentions pretty quickly either through a friend or to you directly. Now if he's been talking to you for months now and hasn't committed or told you why he's spending his time on you, then get out of it quick! You don't have the time to waste and you want to invest now for your future. He's just holding you back otherwise. 

Your_Fairy_God_Mother:

There are certain signs, here are a few:
1. He does not flirt around with other girls, and he does not flirt with you – but instead, is formal and follows the Islamic conduct with all female interactions.
2. He has approached your parents to formalize the relationship.
3. He is trying to stabilize himself financially.

PART 2 Click here

Click here to subscribe to Random Rants and be the first to receive new entries via e-mail!

Shot in the Head

A dear sister recalls a horrifying experience:

     I had been on vacation for two and a half months in Jordan. My mother and brother came to join me at the ‘two month mark’. Jordan, as you can imagine, is very different compared to Canada, but I adapted willingly and easily. I was meeting a lot of people in my family; my cousins, uncles, grandparents, my parent’s cousins, my second cousins, my Grandparent’s brothers and sisters and the list goes on. The weather was perfect, the food was my favorite, the activities and outings were fun and I was having a blast. My eight year old brother, Khalid was meeting family for the first time and he too was having a lot of fun. He told me he really liked my uncles, and that they were just like Dad. My Grandpa and my brother also really love gardening and they bonded over planting a few trees and flowers. Everything was going perfectly Alhamdu Le Allah. 

     One night, I thought to myself ‘I have learned to be grateful for everything and I am very happy, but the question is, would I still be grateful and happy if everything around me was going wrong? Would I be strong enough?’ I prayed to be blessed with such a strength. I promised myself that I would still be just as happy and just as grateful in any situation. I prayed to God that He would help me fulfill this promise.

      I then thought of a family I knew, the father had had a heart attack and everyone had panicked except his son. I have always admired the ability to remain calm in tough situations, it’s an ability I have always been desperate to have. I’ve always thought, ‘I know I can be like him. I know I am strong enough to remain calm while everyone is panicking.’ But I reminded myself that these were just words and that I couldn’t know for sure until the opportunity came to prove it. That ‘opportunity’ however would come at the cost of a loved one’s health, and I began to have doubts if I could ever be that strong. 

     The next night, I was sitting with Khalid at the table along with my two cousins, Jawad, ten years old, and Dana, seven years old. Khalto Shereen, their mother was standing by the table, while little Hannah, three years old was running around. We were in my grandpa’s garden right next to the door to the living room where my Grandma and Mom were sitting and talking. My uncle had been sitting with us but had left to his room once he had finished eating. 

     I had gone to the Roman Amph theater that day, a tourist attraction that was dated over two thousand years old. I had walked all day in the heat and I was happy to now be in a light t-shirt and jeans, enjoying the cool Jordanian weather at night. I was drinking a can of pepsi and Khalid was saying that he would ‘tell on me to Mom, because I was drinking too much’. I pretended to be scared. We laughed. We were having a good time. I remember my aunt saying, ‘Dana, feed your sister a few spoons from your plate. She’s making such a big fuss’. Khalid and I exchanged looks and laughed. Hannah really was making such a big fuss. Then there was a sudden sound. 

TICK. 

     What was that sound? It was loud. We all looked around. Khalid looked at me with surprise. A large leaf fell to the ground, Khalid and I watched it fall. Khalid looked back at me.

‘What was that?’ he asked.

   I shrugged. 

‘Who cares Khalid’ I answered. Kids wonder at mysterious noises in the cutest way, I thought.

   Khalid still looked at me very alarmed. 

‘Whatever Khalid.’ I said.

   But then I saw his eyes shift from surprise to pain and then from pain...to fear. The look alone made my heart drop. Then suddenly he started to SCREAM. He screamed from the back of his throat. It communicated pain, lots of it. 

‘WHAT? KHALID! WHAT IS IT? Bismillah, bismillah! What is it khalid!’ I was now on my feet, horrified.

     Blood started pouring. What was happening?! Khalid tried to stand, he fell. He wet his pants. Everyone screamed. Little Hannah shrieked, all the blood and screaming scared her. I thought to myself, if Khalid wasn’t bleeding so badly, I would have gone to comfort her. I stood over my brother in a panic. My mind was hyperactive. Then something clicked in my head. I remembered my promise. I remembered the son who didn’t panic. 

     This is a test. Do what you have to to pass it. 

‘Tissues! Tissues! I know what to do’ I yelled. Oh God, please help me remember everything I learned from CPR and first aid. 

     My Mom came running. She had heard the unnatural screaming. The maid ran over to help, bringing the tissues along with her. I pressed the tissues onto the right side of his head. The blood instantly leaked through. My heart pounded painfully, ‘but... these are a thick bunch of tissues, how were they used up so fast?’. I heard his screaming, saw that he had wet his pants, saw the unnatural amount of blood. Had a rock fallen from the upstairs apartments? All this from a rock? Something didn’t add up. 

     We called for my uncle, he came rushing out with his car keys. His eyes scanned the situation.

‘To the hospital. Now!’

     My mother took khalid’s arms, my uncle tried to help carry him. Khalid was pushing and screaming and it was really hard to help him. I need to go with them, I thought. My Mom was absolutely going crazy, I knew I could handle the situation better, and I’m the only one who knows CPR (what if something happens on the way?). I looked down at my clothes, I was in jeans and a t-shirt! This wont do. I rushed and put some prayer clothes on and then ran to catch up to my Mom and brother.

     I went in the car first. Khalid came in and I put his head on my chest, pressing on the wound and praying to God He would help us through this. My Mom came in last and my uncle drove to the nearest hospital. He didn’t live in Jordan and I prayed that he would know the way to the nearest hospital. Half a minute went passed and we reached our destination. Thank God there was a hospital near our house!

‘What happened?’ They asked as they brought a wheelchair to our car. ‘Did he fall? Was he fighting with another kid?’

     I didn’t know what to tell them. He was sitting and laughing, next thing you know he’s screaming and blood is pouring from his head. What was I supposed to say? I told them all that had happened. They kept asking the same question. They didn’t seem to believe me.

‘I saw the whole thing happen! We were talking! We were sitting! I was sitting with him and our cousins, and then we heard a ‘tick’ sound and then he started to scream.’ I heard the craziness of my story. Who starts bleeding after a tick sound?

‘But did he fall or anything?’ 

‘No! I’m telling you, we were sitting’

‘Maybe he was fighting with his cousins?’

‘NO! They’re well mannered kids, I was with them!’

     I was really getting frustrated. What was going on! We went inside. Khalid was trying to stand up. I tried to calm him down. They purified his wound with alcohol and he went wild. He kicked, punched and screamed. I noticed then that his wound looked odd...The skin around the injury was arched shaped. A fallen rock doesn’t scratch the skull in that way...

‘We are going to take an x-ray’: one of them said.

     What? Are they serious. Maybe it’s just a procedure kind of thing. They wont find anything...I don’t think? They took him to the room.

‘You can’t come in here’, they said.

     We waited outside. My Mom couldn’t sit down. She walked back and forth around the room frantically.

‘I have a bad feeling about this’, she kept saying.

     This scared me, mothers have good instincts. What about all that blood? It was just so unnatural. We waited. 

‘Mom, just keep praying that Khalid will be fine. Insa’Allah he will be fine.’ I kept telling her. She wasn’t really listening, her mind was lost to panic. ‘Mom, just say Alhamdu Le Allah for everything.

The results came. There was a bullet in Khalid’s head. 

     What? But I was there! I hadn’t even heard the sound of a gun shot. How was this happening?! My Mom started crying hysterically. 

‘Mom, Mom, it’s just the word “bullet” that sounds scary, it’s not really that scary. Think of it like a rock. A rock fell and hit his head.’ At this point, I was still unwilling to believe that the bullet had come from a gun. Maybe one of those plastic bullets had fallen from the upstairs apartments? With the speed it had gathered by falling...maybe it had hit him and was now just under his skull?

     We then went to see the x-ray. My heart dropped. The thing -the bullet!- was in the middle of his head, behind his right eye! My Mom ran out of the room and fell on the ground.

‘He’s going to be fine insha’Allah’ the people from the x-ray said.

 I didn’t have a chance to react, I had to go comfort my Mom.

‘I’m calling your Dad! I can’t do this on my own!’

     I took the phone from her. There was no way she was going to call him and break the news to him in this state.

‘I’m calling him Mom,’I said.

     She gave me the phone without hesitation. I called. Busy. I called again. Busy. I planned how I would tell him the news. He couldn’t have the news suddenly, that I knew. We, ourselves had taken him to the hospital and that had given us time to absorb the situation. Telling my dad, ‘there’s a bullet in your son’s head’ the moment he picks up definitely wont do. I had a plan. 

‘Dad it’s urgent’ I texted.

Dad called.

‘As Salam alykum’

‘Wa Alykum As Salam. Dad, I have news. It will take me a minute to explain. I need you to listen carefully. Everything is fine, so I need you to remember that there will be good news once I finish.

‘Allahuma Aj’aluha Khair, Bismillah Rahman Arahem, what is it?’

      I told him everything step by step, as it happened. I used short sentences, pausing at the end of each sentence, my voice calm and serious.

‘We were sitting in Grandpa’s garden. Khalid started to scream. We thought a rock had fallen from the upstairs apartments. We took him to the hospital. They took an x-ray. It turns out, it wasn’t a rock, it’s a bullet.’

     There was a moment of silence. I gave him a moment to take in the information and then hurried to give him the good news.

‘He’s going to be fine insha’Allah. Everyone who did the x-ray says Khalid insha’Allah will be ok’  

‘What....? How did this happen?’ My Dad asked.

‘I don’t know. I think someone shot a bullet in the air and it hit Khalid.’

‘La hawla wala kawata ela bel Allah’

‘Listen Dad, Mom is panicking. She will scare you once I give her the phone. Khalid is going to be fine insha’Allah, so don’t let her panic worry you too much.’

     I gave the phone to my Mom and kept track of what she said. I made sure she didn’t go overboard with expressing her fear...after all, by Dad was in Canada, on the other side of the world, this type of news would hit him harder.

     My Mom then called her brother. What she told him, I don’t know because it was Khalid’s turn to be comforted. They were now laying Khalid down on one of those hospital beds. They were going to move him to the emergency room. He was very scared, but his level of consciousness relieved me.

     Soon they went into the elevator and the doors closed. I was now left to take care of my Mom. My Mom’s brother then came. 

‘What happened? Did you called the police?’ were his questions.

     We went upstairs to the waiting room of the emergency section of the hospital. I noted that this hospital was very simple, and wasn’t meant to handle these types of situations. I helped my Mom sit down and put my hand on her back, rubbing her back soothingly. I told her a millions things right then, a million things that I will now share with you.

‘Don’t worry Mom. God is here. He is here. He is watching us, He sees our pain and tears. He is here to help. All we need to do is ask Him.

‘Mom, God isn’t trying to hurt us. We think this is a bad thing, but one day we will say Alhamdu le Allah that it happened. One day we will be grateful for this, so let’s not delay our gratefulness until we have a reason to be, and just be grateful to God now, trusting that He will soon give us a reason to be.

‘Remember the time Dad lost his job when you were seven months pregnant with Khalid? Remember when we all thought it was the worst possible thing to happen at that time? But then Dad got a much better job with higher pay five months later. That job eventually opened up opportunities for better jobs. What do we say now? We say Alhamdu Le Allah, not just for the job but also because Dad got five months to take care of you and Khalid. Nothing could have been better. This is exactly like that time, but we don’t know it yet, so don’t be so scared. This is a good thing.

‘Mom, remember that God says ‘no soul is burdened more than it can bare. You can handle this. You can handle this. I can handle this. Dad can handle this. Khalid can handle this.

‘Mom, remember that God promises “after hardship is ease”. Ease will come, so just be patient. You are now dealing with shock. As a mother, you are worried for your child, but this will pass, and soon this will all be behind you.

‘Mom, you should know that even in the worst situations, so long as you are grateful and thankful to God, you are the happiest person on earth. This isn’t the end of everything. Say Alhamdu Le Allah, and we as a family will live happily. So whatever happens to Khalid -death, disability, anything, - our first reaction should and will be Alhamdu Le Allah.

‘Mom, this is a blessing. God doesn’t hurt, he helps. Just say Alhamdu Le Allah. God want’s to bring us closer to Him. He wants us to ask Him for help. He wants us to become better people. Isn’t that the greatest blessing? 

‘This is a reminder, a check up, a test. These type of things bring out what is truly in our hearts. Make sure you pass this test. Say Alhamdu Le Allah. Pass this test by saying ‘Alhamdu Le Allah, I am happy with whatever You give me’.

Mom, look at us. We are so lucky. Look at all the people in Syria, Egypt, Gaza and the many other places in the world. They drag unconscious bodies to the hospitals and the hospitals are full. No one has time to help them, imagine! Look at us now, in a nice hospital with many willing nurses to help us. Look at how we are surrounded by family all here to comfort us. God has made it easier for us.

‘Mom this is written. It was meant to happen. Say Alhamdu Le Allah that it happened in Jordan while we are surrounded by family. Who would have been there for us in Canada? There are over fifty people here with us in the waiting room. In Canada there would’ve probably been, what? two...three? God has made it easier on us.

‘Mom, remember that the Doctors said Khalid is going to be fine Insha’Allah. Mash’Allah Khalid has always had good health, and he’s young, his body can handle it insha’Allah. Imagine if it had happened to Grandpa, he wouldn’t be able to recover as well as Khalid inshAllah will. Once again, God has made it easier on us.

‘Mom, remember that what has happened, happened. We can’t go back in time and change things. You want to go back in time? You can’t. So let’s just deal with the consequences in the only way we know how...and that is to pray.

‘Mom, this is just shock. It happened so fast and when we rushed to the hospital, we didn’t even know what was wrong with him. But now we know everything, so let’s calm down. Mom, I get it, you’re feeling this way because you are the mother, but look around at everyone else. They are all calm and relieved at the good news the Doctors shared with us. They’re not as worried because they can think straight. Just calm down. You can stop these sad thoughts that you keep thinking. You have to power to calm down, so use it.

‘Mom, when you think, ‘I wish this never happened!’ Remember that God’s wisdom is great and one day we will be thankful this happened, so it’s a good thing it happened. When you think, ‘But we were having so much fun in Jordan. I wish it happened later.’ Remember that it’s a good thing it happened in Jordan while we are surrounded by family. When you think, ‘I can’t handle the thought of him having so much pain’ Remember that this was written. It’s Khalid’s fate, if not a bullet, an accident in the kitchen, an accident at school, anything. It is what it is. Besides, it might have been worse, but God has made it easier on us.

     These were the things I told my Mom. I was comforted as I comforted her. Family and friends crowded the waiting room, some comforting us...some wanting to be comforted. I did my best in this situation to help everyone out. It was an odd feeling because I had always wanted to prove to myself that I could handle something like this, but I had never known how successful I would be. God had helped me stay strong.

     Then after a few hours, a thought kept repeating itself in my mind. I’ve been comforting people for hours, when is it my turn to be comforted? The ‘tick’ sound of the bullet, which turned out to be the sound of the bullet breaking through Khalid’s skull, haunted me. I kept seeing Khalid’s eyes looking into my eyes, looking at me with pain and fear. I kept hearing that horrible screaming. When will it be my turn to be comforted, I thought.

      At this point, I had asked my uncle to drive me home so I could change into something better. There was blood all over my prayer clothes and I had only worn the ‘upper’ part, and it wasn’t all that covering. We went home and I changed. Once properly dressed, I remembered the nagging thought I constantly had in the hospital. It was midnight and I still hadn’t even prayed dhur! Quickly, I made wudu and made the intention to make up for these prayers. I prayed Dhur with a heavy heart. Then a sudden thought came to me.

      I am closest to God when I am in prayer. I have been asking for someone to comfort me this whole time, and never once did I think I could ask God to comfort me.

     I prayed Asr. God, please comfort me, I prayed. Tears filled my eyes but I was still not all that comforted. I prayed Magrib. God, please comfort me, please comfort me. I started to feel lighter.  I prayed Isha. God, please comfort me. My heart rate began to slow down, my breathing calmed. My muscles weren’t so tense, I relaxed them. I felt the physical effects immediately. I finished praying. 

     My mind wasn’t so hyperactive anymore, my thoughts slowed to a normal pace. I noticed that my positivity in this situation came a lot more naturally. Emotionally, I felt a new type of calmness I had never felt before, a level I had never reached before. Never in my life have I been so calm before. This, I was surprised at. I am a person who values calmness, I enjoy being calm on a daily bases and I choose to be friends with ‘calm’ people. How have I never reached such a level before? Especially given the situation I am currently in. The answer is obvious. The calmness God gives you is greater than any calmness you could produce by yourself. Subhan Allah, all I did was ask! 

     I then felt shame. I hadn’t prayed dhur until that moment. Why did I do this to myself? I had always been told, ‘you can die at any second’ but of course I have always only pictured car accidents, heart attacks at the age of fifty, falling off something...etc. Khalid was not dead, but he could have died, and he had just been sitting and laughing in the garden. Death, truly comes at any second. I reminded myself of the nasty feeling I had during the hospital, how I really regretted that I had delayed and missed four prayers. I shuddered at the idea of dying in such a state. I was really ashamed of myself. 

     I then channelled this shame to motivating. I will take this as a reminder from God to always pray my prayers on time. After all, I’ve seen it with my own eyes how laughter can turn into screams within seconds. I could die now. The message was clear, and I was determined to act on it, this I promised myself. Could I use the reminder that God gave me to remind others? Yes, I realized, the answer is yes.

    Yesterday’s thoughts then came to mind. I had asked myself, ‘would I be strong enough to still be happy and grateful in the worst situations?’ I had proved the answer was yes. I had prayed to God to give me such a strength and He gave it to me the next day. 

     A new thought then came to me. This opportunity had not just been to prove something, it had also been an opportunity for me to express to God how much I love Him, how much I believe in His word. WOW, I thought, what a beautiful opportunity! I had always thought my faith was weak in this point. I never thought I would remember God’s words so fast in such a situation. Subhan Allah, truly it is only God who knows the state of your heart even more than you do yourself. 

PS: [9 days after the incident] My brother is doing Alhamdu Le Allah. Doctors said the bullet entered hit the safest part of the brain. SubhanAllah, it really was a miracle. God is Great and capable of many things. Movement, hearing, sight, memory, everything Alhamdu Le Allah is functioning well. He is now out of the hospital. As for the bullet, it has been decided that it will remain where it is. SubhanAllah, God truly made it easy for us. Currently, Khalid is excited about all the presents and candy he got. He also wants to ‘talk to the prime minister and tell him how to run the Country’ which I find hilariously entertaining, but hey, maybe he’ll grow up and fix things. Alhamdu Le Allah for everything.