6. How do I handle myself with him now that I'm engaged?
Random Rants of a Muslima:
This really depends on your comfort zone and your engagement itself. So I can't impose the boundaries for you cause I'm not sure what you mean by engagement. However, it's important to know that this is the time for the both of you to truly get to know one another. So don't treat him like a stranger but don't forget he's not your brother either. Both of you need to begin challenging each other's thinking and to ask the tough questions which get you delving deeply into the way you each think of yourselves and the world. So focus on valuable conversation and skip the same old superficial matters. Questions that ask about the purpose of things he does and his opinion on the world around him reflect his outlook on life. You are looking for a father to your children, so it's important to get a good look into his character. On another note, the engagement is not marriage, so save the intimacy for later and be careful to maintain the necessary boundaries.
Your_Fairy_God_mother:
Engagement is a time to get to know one another. Unless you are legally married, it is meant to be like a halal dating period, where you get to find out as much as you can about the person and their family, while maintaining Islamic boundaries at all times.
7. When is it time to speak with intimate matters with my fiance?
Random Rants of a Muslima:
I speak with nothing set in stone here, so just take some of this with a grain of salt and consult your own sources. Your fiance is considered a non-muhram in Islam until you are both married; this means you may speak only with a muhram present. So if you have something to tell your fiance before the wedding and you don't want others knowing, let him know to wait until you're both married and together to discuss these intimate matters and to ensure consent. That way he's aware not to make any assumptions on your behalf. As for when you marry, I believe that a mature and assertive woman should be able to state how she would like to be treated, especially with regards to the first time together. I say this because it's best that the expectations of both parties are known in order to avoid violating the other's comfort zone. If this is too difficult for you, then how can you act upon something you cannot speak of? If you don't express what you prefer, then what you prefer will be assumed by your partner, and you may not be on the same page. If you are shy, your silence is his permission according to the sunnah. Wa Allahu a'lam.
It is related from Abu Hurayra that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "A previously married woman should not be married until she has been consulted. A virgin is not married until she is asked for her permission." They said, "Messenger of Allah, how does she give permission?" He replied, "It is when she is silent."
It is related that 'A'isha said, "Messenger of Allah, a virgin is shy!" He said, "Her consent is her silence."
Your_Fairy_God_mother:
Random Rants of a Muslima:
Hmm... just thinking about this question makes my head full of clashing arguments, so I'm going to say there is no clear answer. I'm trying to find some sources in the sunnah and I can't find any indication that this would be a prohibited matter, and it doesn't make sense for it to be, frankly. I can't elaborate further on the Islamic reference regarding this, so please consult your own sources.
As for my personal opinion or approach to this situation, I would firstly consider what exactly constitutes this man's relationship with the woman before you. Because you wouldn't be asking this question if you did not have an inclination to this man, otherwise you would reject his proposal, which I am hoping it is just that and not an open-ended relationship. If this man pursued the woman in a halaal manner, then this is an indication that he may be true with his intentions towards you as well. It's a good idea to consult your friend to find this out and to see how she feels about this. What I find fascinating is men's obsession with the "bro code" and the phrase "bros before h*es" and Muslim men are not exempt from this practice. Some men choose not to pursue or consider a woman whom their friend found an interest in, so I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but that it's always up to you and what makes you feel comfortable.
Your_Fairy_God_mother:
I have no idea. I'm curious to know what Random Rants thinks of this question.
9. I'm coming of age. How do I find my man?
Random Rants of a Muslima:
This sounds like a funny question at first but has some serious dimensions to it. As human beings, we like to have control over things in our life. So much so, there is strong correlates between one's perceived level of control and happiness. However, as Muslims, we know that this is merely an illusion, and that control of all matters is first and foremost, a product of Allah's command and allowance. Here's a good source with verses and ahadeeth related to qadar (destiny). So all the good and bad that befalls you is written in the books with Allah. We've got to face the fact that there is no planning or persuading anyone to fall in love or marry another, and that if it happens then it is a result of guidance from Allah and not the product of any person's work. So instead of worrying about what you have no control over and risking to fall for fitna and other things that may sway you from the right path, just look towards Him. And if He happens to test you with no marriage in your future, then He tests you out of love and this is your jihad.
| Narrated Abu Huraira; I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I am a young man and I am afraid that I may commit illegal sexual intercourse and I cannot afford to marry." He kept silent, and then repeated my question once again, but he kept silent. I said the same (for the third time) and he remained silent. Then repeated my question (for the fourth time), and only then the Prophet said, "O Abu Huraira! The pen has dried after writing what you are going to confront. So (it does not matter whether you) get yourself castrated or not." (Castration is forbidden in Islam) Now for what you can do as a Muslimah; work on your character. Learn from the prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him) on the best of manners and work towards his example. Your_Fairy_God_mother: |
From there, inshaAllah you will be able to enlist their help and begin your journey. Through the help and guidance of your parents, you can look into the many different routes of finding a spouse; be it through mutual friends in the community, halal marriage websites, or maybe by getting your parents on board with someone you met at school or work.
10. He promises he'll marry me and I'm turning down proposals for him. Am I doing the right thing?
Random Rants of a Muslima:
Oh man, that's a tough place to be in. But I'm not going to make things simple and rosy when they aren't, so forgive me ahead of time. A promise for marriage in Islam is the engagement itself, and in order for a marriage to be complete, one of the conditions is that the woman must not be engaged to anyone else. I'm guessing he hasn't approached your parents for approval, because if they approved of him then you are obligated to turn down other proposals until this engagement is settled and completed or broken off. That being said, his mingling with you and his promise is unacceptable and invalid. He should know this and shouldn't be obligating you to turn down these proposals. If you feel like you're turning down proposals for him and not for yourself then that's a problem. Although things seem to be in a perfect plan right now, continuing this secret relationship with this man may be clouding your vision for the future. Make no exceptions to your standards as a Muslim woman, regardless of what anyone tells you. Are we twisting our faith to suit others and ourselves or are we accepting and submissive to Allah's word?
Your_Fairy_God_mother:
If you feel he is the one for you, is mature, realistic, has been met and approved by your family (maybe had an unwritten agreement), and is making a clear effort to stabilize himself financially and to settle down, then maybe you should consider it. Be careful and realistic though. His promise should soon begin to translate into action. If you feel he is slacking on his promise and seems to be very hesitant or unsure about it, you must have enough self-respect and common sense to know when to move on.
we'll make a part 2 to this post if we get requests to do so. You may post your question below anonymously and we'll try our best inshAllah.
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