Saturday, 15 November 2014


My fingers linger on the keyboard.
My heart yearns for the freedom of exposing
my every feeling
at this very moment.
But they are bound
by fear.
Being imperfect and
not working out the right words.
How to describe such an immense amount of emotion...


I feel my breaths becoming heavier.
I inhale pure air and exhale hurt.
A lot of it.
Maybe I could start with what I need right now.

A hug would be nice.

I want to share someone's good energy.
I want to feel in their arms an embrace of all the parts that I am.
I don't want anyone to tell me how to fix the hurt.
I don't need a checklist or an analysis.

So please don't do that.


This is kind of nice.
Writing what I feel at the moment;
and maybe the thought that at least one person
might stumble across it
will make it all worthwhile.
And what will they think?
Would it even matter what they think?


I want to walk in the woods alone right now
but I find no woods.
and what's bigger is the fear planted in me saying,
"Don't walk alone in the woods. Walk with someone it's safer."
But I don't feel a single bit safe
with the idea that I cannot have the freedom of being alone
without being questioned.
I want to find a place where no one can see me
and to sit
and curl myself into a ball
and let tears fall onto my thighs.

I want a voice in my head to tell me it's okay to not be okay.
It's okay to feel all the complicated that you feel right now
and it's not your fault.
And that somehow no matter how difficult it is to imagine,
you will think back to this moment
and see all the beautiful that is in it.
I'm so tired I'm losing strength.
I can't help others right now.
I want to tell them to leave me alone.
To just leave me be.
But I cant.


Is it bad to say I'm tired of giving?
Is it selfish to want someone to give me something ?
But then again what would I want from them anyway...

Maybe a morning cup of coffee and a blanket
with sun peeking through the window and nothing 
else to make us hurry.

Maybe a silent walk in the woods. 
No words just mutual appreciation for the beauty around us.

Maybe a song beneath the stars in an empty desert

and maybe a listening ear when I finally begin to trust.


I'm too afraid to type,

"what if...

that never happens?"

I don't want to think about being alone
and what's worse is that I don't want think about what I might do
 to replace that feeling.

What if what I'm feeling is something everyone is supposed to go through?
What if being alone is the essence of our existence,
and that no one can really be in an understanding company,
and that it doesn't even exist,

it's just an illusion?

Maybe that's the point.

Maybe the complexity of our lived experience is not meant to be 
understood or analyzed.
Maybe its just supposed to be,
and that the only being who can possibly understand all the complexity it brings
 is the one who lets it be, 


Oh, Lord!

Grant me the trust in You to know You are always there.
Let my heart feel better with just remembering You.
Let my heart seek no other than You.
And let it feel.
Feel without being afraid to feel,
and feel what it's supposed to feel.
Let me be fearless
of anything and everything except You.
Let it be fearless to love.
Be fearless to try time and time again
and most importantly,
let it be pure
and let it be satisfied.