Pause

My fingers linger on the keyboard.

My heart yearns for the freedom of exposing

my every feeling

at this very moment.

But they are bound

by fear.

Judgement.

Being imperfect and

not working out the right words.

How to describe such an immense amount of emotion...

Pause.

I feel my breaths becoming heavier.

I inhale pure air and exhale hurt.

A lot of it.

Maybe I could start with what I need right now.

A hug would be nice.

I want to share someone's good energy.

I want to feel in their arms an embrace of all the parts that I am.

I don't want anyone to tell me how to fix the hurt.

I don't need a checklist or an analysis.

So please don't do that.

Pause.

This is kind of nice.

Writing what I feel at the moment;

and maybe the thought that at least one person

might stumble across it

will make it all worthwhile.

And what will they think?

Would it even matter what they think?

Pause.

I want to walk in the woods alone right now

but I find no woods.

and what's bigger is the fear planted in me saying,

"Don't walk alone in the woods. Walk with someone it's safer."

But I don't feel a single bit safe

with the idea that I cannot have the freedom of being alone

without being questioned.

I want to find a place where no one can see me

and to sit

and curl myself into a ball

and let tears fall onto my thighs.

I want a voice in my head to tell me it's okay to not be okay.

It's okay to feel all the complicated that you feel right now

and it's not your fault.

And that somehow no matter how difficult it is to imagine,

you will think back to this moment

and see all the beautiful that is in it.

I'm so tired I'm losing strength.

I can't help others right now.

I want to tell them to leave me alone.

To just leave me be.

But I cant.

Pause.

Is it bad to say I'm tired of giving?

Is it selfish to want someone to give me something ?

But then again what would I want from them anyway...

Maybe a morning cup of coffee and a blanket

with sun peeking through the window and nothing 

else to make us hurry.

Maybe a silent walk in the woods. 

No words just mutual appreciation for the beauty around us.

Maybe a song beneath the stars in an empty desert

and maybe a listening ear when I finally begin to trust.

Pause.

I'm too afraid to type,

"what if...

that never happens?"

I don't want to think about being alone

and what's worse is that I don't want think about what I might do
 to replace that feeling.

What if what I'm feeling is something everyone is supposed to go through?

What if being alone is the essence of our existence,

and that no one can really be in an understanding company,

and that it doesn't even exist,

it's just an illusion?

Maybe that's the point.

Maybe the complexity of our lived experience is not meant to be 

understood or analyzed.

Maybe its just supposed to be,

and that the only being who can possibly understand all the complexity it brings
 is the one who lets it be, 

Then,

Oh, Lord!

Grant me the trust in You to know You are always there.

Let my heart feel better with just remembering You.

Let my heart seek no other than You.

And let it feel.

Feel without being afraid to feel,

and feel what it's supposed to feel.

Fearlessly.

Let me be fearless

of anything and everything except You.

Let it be fearless to love.

Be fearless to try time and time again

and most importantly,

let it be pure

and let it be satisfied.

Ameen.