Monday, 12 October 2015

I can't tell you

"Tell me"
"I can't tell you"
"Why not?"
"I'm here for you,
do you not trust me?"
"I do".
"Well then, why don't you tell me?"

Because if I tell you,
 I will sound ridiculous
I will not be able to show you 
the hurt
or get you to reach far enough 
to feel it for yourself.

Or maybe because when I share this with you
you will have a piece of me that I cannot take back
and then I will feel a little too exposed.
a little too naked.

Or maybe if I tell you,
you'll label me,
and wonder why I'm being such a downer,
or worse,
and you'll tell me
 that there are other people in this world
who go through much more.
"What a spoiled little brat."
"Who does she think she is?"
"She's got men at her feet
gets compliments left and right, 
and yet she complains."

and then maybe you will
start contemplating about your own life
and make me feel stupid 
for ever telling you in the first place.

Because if I tell you,
maybe one day
without meaning to
it will slip from your mouth
and I will be the word on their tongues
and then I will be wondering why
suddenly they whisper when I turn around
and why people around me start to fade without warning.
"She's got baggage", they'll say.

Or maybe it's because I don't want 
to help myself.
Maybe in all the melancholy,
I find myself more than I ever did when I was happy.
Something in me is so undeniably me when I shed that tear
and when I laugh,
 I can hear that other side of me snicker,
"that's not you"
Maybe that demon has found a home
and I have made a friend out of it.

But mostly I can't tell you
because it hurts too much
because if I tell you,
it will be too real
and I don't know if I want to face it,

Or maybe I'm just scared
I'm scared you'll find me too messy
too sensitive
too insecure
too anxious
and too complicated for your liking.

So when you ask me to "tell you what's wrong"
 I end up responding with silence 
with my head lowered slightly to one side
avoiding your gaze
and my eyes might just shed the tiniest tear,
the last hopeless cry for help
I hope that in my silence you may be able to understand
that although
I have a deep desire to share everything about myself with you,
 I can't.
I'm so sorry

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment