I can't tell you

"Tell me"

"I can't tell you"

"Why not?"

"I'm here for you,

do you not trust me?"

"I do".

"Well then, why don't you tell me?"

Because if I tell you,

 I will sound ridiculous

I will not be able to show you 

the hurt

or get you to reach far enough 

to feel it for yourself.

Or maybe because when I share this with you

you will have a piece of me that I cannot take back

and then I will feel a little too exposed.

a little too naked.

Or maybe if I tell you,

you'll label me,

and wonder why I'm being such a downer,

or worse,

and you'll tell me

 that there are other people in this world

who go through much more.

"What a spoiled little brat."

"Who does she think she is?"

"She's got men at her feet

gets compliments left and right, 

and yet she complains."

and then maybe you will

start contemplating about your own life

and make me feel stupid 

for ever telling you in the first place.

Because if I tell you,

maybe one day

without meaning to

it will slip from your mouth

and I will be the word on their tongues

and then I will be wondering why

suddenly they whisper when I turn around

and why people around me start to fade without warning.

"She's got baggage", they'll say.

Or maybe it's because I don't want 

to help myself.

Maybe in all the melancholy,

I find myself more than I ever did when I was happy.

Something in me is so undeniably me when I shed that tear

and when I laugh,

 I can hear that other side of me snicker,

"that's not you"

Maybe that demon has found a home

and I have made a friend out of it.

But mostly I can't tell you

because it hurts too much

because if I tell you,

it will be too real

and I don't know if I want to face it,

 yet.

Or maybe I'm just scared

I'm scared you'll find me too messy

too sensitive

too insecure

too anxious

and too complicated for your liking.

So when you ask me to "tell you what's wrong"

 I end up responding with silence 

with my head lowered slightly to one side

avoiding your gaze

and my eyes might just shed the tiniest tear,

the last hopeless cry for help

I hope that in my silence you may be able to understand

that although

I have a deep desire to share everything about myself with you,

 I can't.

and

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment