Just Face it, You're Alone in this World

     You are born alone. You live alone. And you die alone.

     What does it mean to be lonely? Is the company of others the only variable in assuring one has a happy and hospitable life? Or does loneliness stem from our empty hearts?

     You’re thinking right now of all the amazing people in your life. This is definitely not a post that appeals to you, right?

     When Allah subhanahu wa ta’laa made Adam, he gave him the companion Hawa (peace be upon them). Cause he made it our nature to prefer being in the presence of others.  The prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) himself was given Abu bakr Alsideeq. Love for the sake of Allah gives life more meaning and even the most pious of us need a friend.

     But why do people so often fall short of our expectations? Why do the closest people to us fail to satisfy our needs? Why do they have a hard time understanding us? Often, even those who we see on an almost consistent basis forget who we are and judge us wrongly. Some people marry with the expectation that their partner will fill that void and end up emptier than they started. The first problem lies in the perception of these questions. No one is obligated to provide for you and no one will read your mind. No one can grasp all of the dimensions that make you who you are. No one can fully envision the extent of the hardships that have been inflicted upon you and how much you struggle on a daily basis to stay strong. Not even from years of companionship could you possibly establish this type of connection with someone. Which is why we are alone in this dunya and from this loneliness should stem our love for Allah.

     Allah subhanahu wa ta’laa can be reached at any time in our life and even the mere remembrance of Him can lighten up our hearts. He knows all those details the rest don’t care about. How does one establish that special connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’laa? It’s quite simple actually. Think about how you establish a connection with people. We establish a connection with others when we share a vulnerable aspect of ourselves that we don’t expose so easily to the world. The more private the connection is, the stronger we feel tied to the individual and the more we trust in them. Now try this. Speak to Allah subhanahu wa ta’laa as a friend. Think of Him as someone who is following you with every step you make. Every thought. Every hardship and struggle. And every time you smile on the inside, you share this with Him. Talk to Him as though he lives in your head and heart and tell Him things you wouldn't tell a soul. Keep a few secrets between each other. And I don’t mean the bad ones, because those types of secrets are easy to hide from the world. But share with Him an aspect of your life that you would normally tell someone else. Now you've established trust.

     At this point, you have freed your soul from the flock.

"And remember your Rubb by your tongue and within yourself, humbly and with fear and without loudness in words, in the mornings and in the afternoons, and be not of those who are neglectful.'' (The Holy Quran 7:205)

     Now you will feel so comfortable being alone. So much so you may be able to go for a walk to a park, sit on the grass and smile to yourself. Because you've finally come to realize that you don’t live this world alone as you have thought. I promise you, only Allah knows if my promise is to be fulfilled, but you will see everything clearly and Allah will help you through every hardship and he will make you sensitive to things that did not provoke any happiness in you before. One day, we will all die. We will die and be brought up to Him bare with only our good deeds to save us. It’s time to think about this before it’s too late. We are born bare and we die bare. 

We must now live bare too.

     "I am as My servant expects Me to be. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length; and if he draws near to me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Hadith Qudsi, Al-Bukhari)

10 Signs You Love Someone for the Sake of Allah

    

     We tend to speak so much of the bad folk. “People are selfish” .“People are arrogant”. “People are fake”. It has come to a point where in an attempt to address issues or counter this negativity, we caused even more negativity as a result. That person who complains about everything can cloud upon himself a gray fog of negative energy wherever he goes. Sometimes even in the best of our intentions we become engulfed in this cycle of complaint about all the wrong in the world we completely blind ourselves from all that is beautiful.

There are good people out there my friend.

"There are some people who enter your life like gems. These are the real diamonds. They have no ulterior motives, no inferiority complex, no superiority complex, no need to prove that they are better than you, or seek to have more than you. They don’t feel entitled and aren’t needy or dependent. They are not superficial or fake. They remind you of God and they understand you, when no other person does. They don’t wear a mask with you or pretend to be perfect. They are just real with you and honestly and sincerely only want good for you. You feel you can tell them anything without worrying that they will judge you or put you down for being imperfect. They know your flaws, but love you anyway. And they are loyal. You know they’ll be there for you. They'll always have your back. And best of all, time and distance doesn’t change this. If you’ve met even one person in your entire life like this, you’re blessed." -Yasmin Mogahed

    What does it mean to love someone for the sake of Allah? How do you know if you've met a person who has established this type of relationship with you and how do you know if you love them the same way too?

   For Allah’s sake basically means only for Him and not for the sake of anyone or anything else; meaning a friendship based on worship and devotion to Allah first and foremost. I don’t believe this would be a less committed form of traditional friendship but one that comes with more sacrifice and trust and holds up over time. It can be envisioned as a sentiment so strong that a Muslim will want to drag his beloved brother/sister with himself to heaven. It is a relationship that you take with you to the grave and beyond. One that you flaunt the day of judgement in front of the Almighty Allah subhanahu w ta’laa. It is important that our friendships never lose sight of this ultimate relationship with the Creator. Every effort to please this individual, to bring them closer to Allah or to ease their difficulty is considered charity for the sake of Allah. And let’s not forget, for your sake too. We’re all trying to save ourselves from hell fire aren't we?

    Mu`adh (bin Jabal) (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: `For those who love one another for the sake of My Glory, there will be seats of light (on the Day of Resurrection), and they will be envied by the Prophets and martyrs" [At-Tirmidhi].

    Should it matter whether the person you have established this relationship with views you in the same way? I found from my personal experience that it helps. But I don’t think it is necessary. If we employed this way of thinking, then we would certainly become so encased within our own circles that there would be no room for compassion and empathy to others who may require the guidance the most. Ultimately, you should never think of it as aiding your brother/sister. Your actions are directed towards Allah subhanahu w ta’laa and in no expectations of return of the favor from the other.

    Anas bin Malik (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "There are three qualities whoever has them, will taste the sweetness of Iman: To love Allah and His Messenger (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) more than anyone else; to love a slave (of Allah) only for (the sake of) Allah; and to abhor returning to infidelity after Allah has saved him from it as he would abhor to be thrown into the fire (of Hell)" [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].

    So I complied a list of 10 signs to aid us into understanding what it means to love someone for the sake of Allah. It is based on my observations really. Nothing etched in stone. I’d love to hear your input.

Here are some signs that you love someone for Allah's sake:

1. You are not upset if there is a lack of commitment:

    Friendships based on love for Allah are nourished and grown by a divine source. When we see the connection between our brothers and sisters in Islam as one that is tied by our greater connection with Allah, we are not upset by anyone's shortcomings. If your friend cannot call you everyday to check up on you or does not return favors, your love in the sake of Allah should keep you grounded and satisfied. Since Allah brought this person to you, He can also take him away at any time. At the end of the day, you are looking to satisfy a higher being than your friend, so as long as you've paid your due for Allah's sake you shouldn't worry about lack of commitment. How do you know? Well, ask yourself how often you ask this person why they haven't called/texted/met you. If you do it often, perhaps you've clung onto the person rather than the relationship with Allah.

     2. You are a constant reminder of Allah to them and they are a constant reminder of Allah to you:

   In worship and speech, you both tend to remember Allah. This doesn't have to mean full on khatiras and khutbas when you see one another. It can be a simple reflection of recent events for example. Or a brief dua. You will also find yourself gently pushing this friend to do good for Allah. Pushing them to pray with you or advising them can build on your relationship together. It is important to give advice in a gentle manner; in private and in a non patronizing way.You never want to make it seem like you're bragging about your deen. No one likes that. In contrast, a friend who supports you even in times where you know you have wronged yourself in the face of your Lord is a friend that doesn't have your back anyway. At least not in the way that they should. These types of friendships seems to be so temporary for some reason. 

  

    Mu`adh (bin Jabal) (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) held my hand and said, "O Mu`adh, By Allah, I love you and advise you not to miss supplicating after every Salat (prayer) saying: `Allahumma a`inni `ala dhikrika wa shukrika, wa husni `ibadatika,' (O Allah, help me remember You, expressing gratitude to You and worship You in the best manner)".
[Abu Dawud and An-Nasa'i].

3. You have no expectations from them:

         When you love someone for His sake, you don't need them to return your favors or reciprocate. Your reward lies solely with Allah (subhanahu wa ta'laa) and you know this and don't expect anything from people in general. A friend who knows this about you will not thank you excessively and does not feel the need to return gifts or gestures. But sometimes it happens, especially if the other person also loves you the same way. There's no shame in accepting gifts.

         A’ishah said: “The Messenger of God (pbuh) would accept gifts, and reward generously on account of that.” (Bukhari #2445)

    Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "A man set out to visit a brother (in Faith) in another town and Allah sent an angel on his way. When the man met the angel, the latter asked him, "Where do you intend to go?'' He said, "I intend to visit my brother in this town". The angel said, "Have you done any favour to him?'' He said, "No, I have no desire except to visit him because I love him for the sake of Allah, the Exalted, and Glorious.'' Thereupon the angel said, "I am a messenger to you from Allah (to inform you) that Allah loves you as you love him (for His sake)" [Muslim].

4. You are happy when you see them happy:

   

         Unfortunately, with growing individualism in our society  it has become quite rare for people to be truly happy for others without this happiness somehow linking back to themselves. Let's face it, often we cannot even maintain a conversation with someone and listen to them talk about their problems without talking about our lives and experiences. If you love someone for the sake of Allah, you are happy when you see them satisfied in the blessings of Allah. Even when these blessings have not been brought upon you. You continuously make dua for their sake in private. When you make a dua for your brother/sister in Islam, you get the reward for this dua and it also applies to yourself. We must be satisfied with Allah's wisdom in splitting his blessings. 

           The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said; “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim].

     5. You met for His sake and continue to reunite for His sake:

         The basis of your friendship has been set for His sake. You met on good intentions and continue to meet for a purpose greater than yourselves. Your reunion, even if it may be years from your original meeting, will be just as passionate as you remember. Because it is lit by the love of Allah suhanahu wa ta'laa.

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "On the Day of Resurrection, Allah, the Exalted, will say: `Where are those who have mutual love for the sake of My Glory? Today I shall shelter them in My Shade when there will be no shade except Mine".
[Muslim].

6. You hold no record book of reciprocation on them: 

        You find yourself forgetting quite easily the last time he/she initiated a connection. Because that doesn't really matter to you. You don't hold an account of who puts in more effort in the friendship. It makes forgiving quite easy as well because it involves forgiving for the sake of Allah and you really have nothing to lose because the basis of the friendship was not you or your friend. 

           The Prophet (saw) said: “Among Allah’s servants are people who are neither prophets nor martyrs, but whom the prophets and martyrs will deem fortunate because of their high status with Allah.” The companions asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Inform us of who they are.” The Prophet (saw) told them that “they are people who loved each other for Allah’s sake, even without being related to one another or being tied to one another by the exchange of wealth."

7. Your conflict comes with no drama: 

         Oftentimes, we may get caught up in friendships that we cannot maintain due to differences in values or perhaps they come with bad influence. Sometimes, we even get caught up in drama and decide to end things in a horrible way. These times of conflict can result in an end to the connection between you two, at least on a physical level.  Friends who love for the sake of Allah hold a divine connection which is not tainted by conflict. When it does happen however, they decide to end matters in a a respectable manner that pays due to your past and your connection with Allah and not your ego. 

     8. You don’t have to agree on everything:

    

        If the basis of your friendship is love for Allah, then it will be built on his word. Differences of opinion  especially with regards to religious matters, are seen in Islamic history and date all the way back to the Sahabas time. If your frienship is for His sake, then you will not need anyone's approval of your ideas since they lie between you and your Lord. Good friends will consult the Quran and Hadith when they disagree. And if even then they still do, that's okay.

    9. You give them your good word:

    

         Friends for the sake of Allah don't hold back on their love for one another. Because their ego doesn't mess around with the relationship. They praise each other when they commit good deeds and give their good word. You also shouldn't care about how your compliments for example are received. Cause they were never for anyone's sake but Allah's. Sometimes a good word can go a long way. We forget to praise great people and this can make them stray from the right path. Letting them know you appreciate them and what they do gives them motivation to continue doing great things for Allah's sake. You will share the reward that way.

     Anas bin Malik (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: A man was with the Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) when another man passed by and the former said: "O Messenger of Allah! I love this man (for Allah's sake)". Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) asked, "Have you informed him?'' He said, "No". Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) then said, "Tell him (that you love him)". So he went up to the man and said to him, "I love you for the sake of Allah;'' and the other replied, "May Allah, for Whose sake you love me, love you.''
[Abu Dawud].

10. You are willing to sacrifice for them for the sake of Allah: 

          What does it mean to sacrifice? It means to let go of what is precious to you. Time, energy, money and reputation for Allah's sake. You are willing to even give your friend up for Allah's sake too if that is what is best for him. Keep in mind, this sacrifice should NEVER be brought up as leverage or blackmail on your friend to prove your loyalty. It is sacrifice for Allah's sake and for you on the day of judgement that is done and then thrown in the sea, as the Arabs say.

  

           The Prophet (saw) went on to describe their great reward on the Day of Resurrection: “By Allah, their faces will be luminous and they will be upon light. They will feel no fear when the people will be feeling fear, and they will feel no grief when the people will be grieving.” Then he (saw) read the verse: ”Behold! Verily on the friends of Allah there is no fear, nor shall they grieve.” [Yunus:10:62]. (Abu Dawud)

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The Dreaded Dress

Another beloved friend writes a reflection:

      I woke up after a long, deep, and well needed sleep. It was quite an okay morning, the same tired feeling I felt every morning, just not as dreadful as usual. I went on with my day as I would usually. Checked my phone, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got some breakfast and showered. This week was the one right after my special-time-of-the-month, and I usually have a hard time going back to my praying routine. Prayers were usually on and off after this time, but I eventually get back on track. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very faithful person, and I love God and I know very well my duties towards Him. I try my best but I have some difficulty not letting this bloody world distract me.  I carried on my day’s duties and the dream I had the past night instantly hit me. The last thing I thought during my dream was: “Crap. This means I’m gonna die.” I remember an old friend of mine who once told me that in a dream, the moment you begin to do a higher level of thinking you instantly wake up, which is usually why the end of your dream usually holds the most meaning and usually why it’s the most memorable. I dreamt that I was in a gorgeous white gown. My hair was up in a simple bun, it looked darker than usual. My dress was A-line, flowy, but not puffy, with a beautiful sweeping train and lace sleeves. It was a wedding dress. I was not happy, I was not sad; I was indifferent. It was my wedding day and I was doing what I had to do.  I woke up from my dream, and I didn’t quite forget what I dreamt, but I didn't think about it either. I had things to accomplish; dreams never meant anything to me.

     I went along with my life, and the moment I recalled my dream, I remembered sitting between my mother and her friends a while ago, and they were interpreting dreams, somehow the topic of wedding dresses and getting married came up in their conversation.  They said that if a girl sees herself in a wedding dress in a dream, it means that she will die.  At the time, I laughed and said they were talking nonsense.  There could be a million reasons why a wedding dress would come up in a dream, either like many girls, you’re wedding obsessed, or like me and a few others, getting married is a nightmare. I could understand why such a dream would symbolize death to me.  But today was different, it didn’t just symbolize death, it meant death.  It’s not like I believed 100% of their interpretation, but at the back of my head, I thought to myself, “What if they were right?”  I mean I've never really met anyone who dreamt about being in a wedding dress, probably because they never lived long enough to talk about their dream.

     I’m not usually a paranoid person, but I have my moments. I tried to shrug the negative thoughts away, and go on with my day, but I couldn't stop. At first I wasn't so scared, I just stopped for a moment, and listened to myself, to my soul, to my body, to my feelings. It didn't feel like I was going to die. This pause was not the only one I took throughout the day; I repeated the process quite a few times. I wasn't freaking out or anything, but the possibility was there, and if it was probable, then there really wasn't anything I could do about it, I can’t stop myself from dying. So, I called my mom. The phone rang a few times, we exchanged how-are-you’s, I-miss-you’s and all that, she was at the mall with a friend. My mother was showing off the shoes I bought for her, and her friend loved them so they went to pick up a pair. At the back of my head I thought, what a tragic way for me to die on my mother, she’ll probably treasure those shoes forever. She was busy, she asked me if I needed anything, and I told her that I was okay, and that I just wanted to tell her about a dream I had. She was busy. She didn't really care much to ask what I dreamt, but I told her anyway. She didn't seem sad or worried though, she just asked me if there was music and clapping, and zaghareet (Arab war cry as I call it). I told her there weren't any, she didn’t really listen. She said “So, you don’t need anything? Khalas, I’ll call you later, let me finish what I’m doing.” In my head I was thinking “If I die, it will definitely be tragic for her.”

      I looked around me, my room wasn't as neat as it could be, and I didn’t have my wudu. I got up and did my wudu, and cleaned my room. I started the laundry that’s been piling up for the past week.  If I die I want to be on my wudu, and I want my room to be clean and my laundry to be done. It might be a weird way to go about it, but that was my first reaction. I wasn't shaky or scared or worried. If I have to go, I have to go. And no, I am not ready to die, not religiously, not personally. I’m still young, and I have so many dreams, and I have so much I need to change in myself for Allah. I always tried to keep my attachment to this world very minimal and there was always a war going on inside my head. But I am human, so no I was not ready to meet my Lord. I was ashamed, but I trusted God. I was worried, but my eman has always been strong. I made so many mistakes, and I still am, but God is most forgiving. I want to meet my Lord with a pure heart, good intentions, mountains of good deeds, and years of repentance. Today should not be my last day, but if it was, there’s nothing I could do about it, except wait, and make sure it happened when I was doing something good.

      I blasted the Qur’an with the voice of my favourite reciter. He began to cry halfway through the Surah. “This could be a sign,” I thought to myself. I listened and I let myself feel every word; I’ve never been this focused on Qur’an. I always loved it, but I usually would get side tracked.  “If I’m going to die today, I hope I die now.” I wished. A Dua kept going on and on through my head, Allahuma thabetny a'nd al soa'al. I repeated it in my head almost a million times. When I’m asked, I really hope I don’t fail myself. But how can I be sure that I won’t. The truth is I can’t be sure.

     Ramadan is so soon, could I really die before I get the chance to fast in the blessed month again? I felt so doomed. It was time for prayer, I renewed my wudu. It had to be perfect, this prayer has to count because it could be my last. While doing my wudu, I smiled, because I knew that if anyone knew what was going on in my head they would think I was so silly. I also smiled because I also remembered all the times I asked God to make my last living moment in my sujood. Maybe this was it, maybe God wants to answer my prayer, and maybe I’ll drop dead in my prayer, in an empty house, away from my family and friends. Wonderful. I prayed, and this time I recited every word perfectly, out loud, slowly, my sujood was much longer than usual, and tears flooded my prayer matt. I had to get up eventually, and no my life did not end in prayer. I studied a little, and looked at the beautiful green book laying on my side table. I missed it so much. It’s been weeks since I last opened it, and read anything other than surat Al Kahf. I brushed my fingers along the top of this beautiful book, I've always wanted to dedicate an hour of my day to reading it. I always wanted to pray fajr, make my dua, and read the Qur’an. It was a dream for me to start my day in such a peaceful way. It was a dream because the days when I didn’t miss fajr I would pray and go back to sleep, the dua would happen on occasions. I hoped that my dreams would count for something if I died. I mean I’m not a bad person, but I’m not the best person I could be, and God knows what’s in my heart.

    At lunch time I ate, and I forgot to say bismillah. What if I choke to death? And on top of that I forgot to say bismillah, how horrible of me. These thoughts got the best of me, I asked my roommate what she thought. I asked if maybe there was hint, I asked if she thought I could feel it. “You can’t, death happens so suddenly.” She was very comforting, and I had to pee. What if I died while peeing? In the washroom the dirtiest place and the worst place to die. Terrible. I hoped against it, as soon as I finished I redid my wudu, which is not something I would do normally unless I had to pray.

    My imagination went wild, would the angel of death be gentle, beautiful, scary, friendly? Would he give me a moment before he takes my soul? Will there be a light coming out of my heart? Will I feel anything? Will everything I’ve ever felt come rushing out of me? Will my grave be bright, and comfortable? Will it be as green as I always imagined it to be? Will I see Allah’s beauty? I hoped.

    My day preceded as such, I kept trying to go on with my life, but the thought of death kept haunting me. Scenario’s would play out in my head. All my actions had an outcome, every prayer was prayed right on time, and was perfectly mastered, my Dua was ten times longer than usual, my cries for forgiveness were more sincere, and my fear of Allah was renewed every minute of my day.  I wished that I could live longer than today, so that I could make sure that every day of the rest of my life played out like this. These thoughts were scary but they kept me going in the right direction.

     So for those of you who read this far, I didn’t type this big blob of a life story for no reason. I typed it to send a message across. Even though I could have sent this message in a shorter way, I just felt like blabbing. Now for the message that we all probably already know, but boy did I need reminding:

    You cannot feel death. There are no signs and there are no warnings. There is nothing you can do to stop it, and death does not care who you are. Death does not care what you dream of doing, or what you are doing. Live every moment as if it’s your last, live every moment with fear and repentance. Live every moment with the thought of Allah at the back of your head. Live every moment as though it’s the moment you will meet your Lord; as though it’s the moment you will be asked. Pray for yourself. Pray for yourself and for those you love as much as you can. Keep a prayer in your heart, and repeat it at the back of your head at every minute of your day. Purify yourself; purify your body, purify your tongue, purify your heart, and purify your mind. Listen to your soul, listen to your conscience. Listen to the Qur’an with every living cell inside of you and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel Allah’s presence and his blessings. Lastly my lovely sisters, and brothers in Islam, I ask you to thank Allah for every second you are blessed with, because it is indeed a blessing. Alhamdulilah, may Allah ease our pains, and have mercy on our souls, may he give us the light of knowledge, wisdom, and eman, may he protect us from the attachment of this world. May he keep us on our straight path, and help us overcome our obstacles. Ameen.

Sisters Speak: Marriage Proposals

     Here we go. Diving into some unventured territory...

     So apparently the world is obsessed with marriage nowadays. It seems to be all we talk about. So I decided to monopolize this obsession. Don't get me wrong, marriage is important and I can tell why people are so sensitive and worried about it. But personally I believe we've taken the focus away from other aspects of our deen like character building etc.. and focused an unbelievable amount of time and energy into marriage. I can only guess that this is due to the difficulty of marriage nowadays due to material reasons and high expectations. Not to mention, the increased amount of fitnah our younger generations are being exposed to. May Allah make marriage easy on us all ameen.

  I am hoping to bridge worlds and offer insights with this entry. We will present a Sisters Speak on a frequent basis and anyone is welcome to send topics and questions of interest (you may comment anonymously). These women speak from their experience and they come from a variety of backgrounds and ages. The purpose is to present aspects of proposals that are agreed upon and other variable ones that differ from person to person. We presented questions from followers and I added some more to broaden the scope a bit. If you're wondering, I did not include my opinion. Just to change things up. 

1. What is the first thing that you consider in a proposal? Order according to importance: personality, education and financial stability, religion and responsibility. 

Sister #1:  I consider Deen and khuluq first. Then the rest. I want Allah to be pleased with him, then I will be pleased with him. 

Sister #2: Personality, religion and responsibility, education, financial stability

Sister #3: Personality, education and responsibility, religion, financial stability.

I was confused whether I should put religion and responsibility first or personality. I chose personality then education because one’s personality and education give an indication of the way they are likely to practice their religion. For example if one trait in his personality is open mindedness, then he is likely to be a normal practitioner of his religion, not a fanatic. So when someone commits a mistake, he would accept that human beings make mistakes and try to change it in a smart educated way instead of using harsh words and reacting negatively saying: “you’ll be in hell forever” instead of advising them in private and showing them the right way. With good personality and education comes good understanding of religion, not vice versa. An educated person makes educated decisions and understands that Muslims should go by their deen, and should care less about their cultural values that go against their deen. Financial stability comes last because it does not exist. One’s financial status is never stable and could be turned upside down in no time.

Sister #4: Religion, personality & responsibility, education and financial stability.
For me religion comes first. And no, its not because it’s the “right” thing to order it that way. Although I have never been in any kind of relationship, I have been through many friendships. I have often found the most beautiful and long lasting friendships are with those friends who are religious, pure hearted, and spiritual. They seem to emit a glow, they always inspire me to be better and I feel a sense of peace and security in their presence. When a person is religious and practising correctly, it also means that they will abide by Allah SWT’s deen, meaning that no matter what happens between you both, even if things don’t work out, you can be sure that they will still be good to you, your family, uphold your rights and be civil, as what keeps them in line is not your love for each other, which is fragile and is subject to change with circumstances, but out of love and fear of Allah SWT, a much stronger and permanent connection. Having a religious partner is also key to not only having a stable partner for this Dunya, but will also be a person who will help you strive for Jannah and keep your Akhira in mind. Personality comes second, as a good, healthy, balanced personality is essential. Responsibility is on the same rank as personality for me after deen, as a guy needs to be reliable and dependable to be a good life partner. Education and financial stability comes last. Not because I don’t see its importance, I definitely do. But because it is the most of these points that is subject to change with external circumstances. If the guy is still studying but possesses all the qualities above, or if his job isn’t great, but he’s looking, I would still go for it and try to make it work. One condition is that he be ambitious. With ambition and drive, anything is possible.

2. Should a man be accepted with some characteristics that you don't like in hopes that you'll change some of them or that he will eventually change?

Sister #1: Yup. No one's perfect. 

Sister #2: It is really up to the individual, personally I would accept a person with some characteristics that I do not like, as long as I can live with them and tolerate them, as people do not change that easily.  And like I expect the other person to accept some of my characteristics that he may not like, it is only fair that I ask the same of myself, bottom line, nobody is perfect.

Sister #3: Absolutely not. If you notice certain characteristics that you don’t like in him, test it a couple of times to make sure that your observation is right then make up your mind. If you think that the good characteristics in him are way more than the ones you don’t like, then give him a chance to fix them by telling him what you think and being honest in evaluating him. If he resists change or even if he tries his best but it’s still not satisfying, then the best solution is to not accept, because if u accept then get married and he is still not changed, there is no one else to blame but yourself. This in no way means that he is a bad person, NO, it just means that you two aren't well suited for one another.

Sister #4: It Depends. There are some major characteristics that CANNOT be compromised and are essential for them to be present for us to be able to start our lives together. They include: Respect, Honesty, Kindness, Mercy, Compassion, and Maturity, to name a few. If there is any doubt in these major ones that influence our lives on a daily basis, I would have an issue there. It also depends on the EXTENT to which the unpleasant characteristic is present. For example, it might be okay if he has a slight temper, but if he flies into rages he cannot control over daily nuisances, that would be problematic. However, I completely understand he is only human, as I obviously also have my share of faults as well. The guy must be aware of his unpleasant characteristics, and must have the ambition to want to improve and change them as well.

3. What is the best way to approach someone for marriage? Should there be privacy between the two or should there always be a third person? 

Sister #1: There should always be a third person involved. More baraqa that way. 

Sister #2: It is of great help to have some friends involved, like a close to friend, to the girl or the boy, I say a very good friend, and hopefully that person would want for this relationship to go forward if it is good for both. Both parties could talk, but avoid privacy, as it conflicts with what God asked us to do.  After an initial consent is achieved, meaning both parties are equally interested in pursuing the relationship further, parents should be brought on board.  As parents should feel they are part of the decision too.  For one reason, parents know their kids really well, they have that instinct about their children, so we need them involved early on, so their opinion could still be considered.

Sister #3: There should be a third person in the first 2 times, then if all goes well and there is mutual acceptance to progress the relationship, they should be given permission by both sides’ parents (if available) to meet and speak privately in a public area or at the girl’s house.

Sister #4: I am old school when it comes to this. The best way to approach someone for marriage is through the parents. It is not only the proper Islamic way, but it shows that the guy is mature and serious about the relationship. I personally respect a guy much more if he asks my dad or brother before initiating anything. This method ensures that you get to know each other in a fair, controlled environment and weeds out the guys that are serious about marriage from those who are just there to “talk”.
There should always be a third person present, a mahram or mature person you trust to help guide the conversation, decrease awkwardness, and give you valuable feedback about the person. Once you have your “katb ktab” by all means, facebook inbox away..

4. What is a respectable way to turn down a proposal? 

Sister #1: Well the only time I would turn it down would be when I don't get a good response from my istikhaara. That's exactly what I tell them. Most of the time, the situation just ends on its own without me having to say anything. It's Allah's way of dealing with it for me alhumdulillah.

 Sister #2: I think both parties need to be very sensitive and honest with one another, and let the other person know as soon as they know that they are not interested.  As long as the refusal is communicated in kind and respectful way, no harm will be done.

Sister #3: “Sorry, there is no chemistry between us. You and I are very good people, but are not suited for one another.” There is zero shame in that.

Sister #4: “Mafi naseeb"; meaning that their is no luck or that the couple are not destined for one another. The parents or the girl’s mahram should very respectfully let the guy know that there is no interest in continuing.

5. When does one know that they have gotten to know the potential guy enough to decide to follow through on the proposal and to take matters further?

Sister #1: If you guys are compatible and have similar likes and dislikes. Then just make istikhaara and go with that. 

Sister #2:  Everyone is different here, that is what makes us unique as human beings.  We need to know ourselves and what we are looking for in a relationship, the more specific we are about what we need, the fastest we can identify our match, and move forward.  I would say take reasonable time, just beware of giving false hope when not ready with the decision yet.  This will help avoid confusion and hurting one another.

Sister #3: A girl should write a list of the most important things she wants in her future husband. When she meets a potential guy and is willing to take the next steps, she should review the list that she made, and really consider it if the man does not fit the list, not just ignore it and say “no this doesn’t matter, I changed my mind” because the probabilities are that yes she did change her mind, but may be because 1) the list is unreasonable or unrealistic or 2) that she is now blinded by love, and this blindness is making her overlook the things that were once very important for her.

6. What was the most awkward proposal you experienced? And what are some ways to avoid awkwardness during this very embarrassing process - or is it inevitable and we should just be prepared?

Sister #1: O.m.g. Having to meet the person on the spot the moment they see you. Having to speak with them with people surrounding you and listening...it's just awful! 

 Sister #2: One proposal I had from a Guy that was much younger, and he saw me a few times, and got fascinated and proposed on the spot.  I had to pause a minute, gather my thoughts, and tell him that this will not work, because he is younger, and also, he does not know me well enough to make his decision.  I encouraged him respectfully to reconsider.  We need to be smart about this, and not let our emotions lead us, especially when it comes to relationships that we know will not work for us, we need to be straight forward, honest and respectful in telling the other party our decision. 

Sister #3: It is inevitable. A girl should consult her parents what she should do in such a situation if someone asks her for her contact information for proposal.

Sister #4:  Cringe, cringe, cringe. This guy once cornered me outside of a coffee shop on campus. He was so insistent, and demanding, I was honestly so uncomfortable and intimidated. He was like a leech, wouldn’t leave when I declined to give him my number.
Some ways to avoid it: Go to the parents first if possible at all. However, If you see someone on the spot and are interested (like in my case, on the street), be very courteous and respectful when asking, make your intentions clear, and be understanding that the girl balancing a large french vanilla and textbooks in -40 degrees weather may not be prepared to discuss marriage with you at the moment. No offence.
   Since marriage and proposals are generally very sensitive procedures, they’re bound to be awkward at some point. But hey, more fun stories to tell your kids.

7. What are you supposed to do if a brother confronts YOU with a proposal and doesn't go through your parents/wali first? Isn't this a bad sign?

Sister #1: Well it's not a bad thing, but I would rather he go through my parents if he's that serious about me! 

Sister #2: In this case it really depends on the girl’s level of maturity, for an educated sister this could be fine, as long as she can represent herself and her family well, and with respect, there is no issue with proposing this way.  In my opinion if the girl is mature, it doesn’t really matter whether the guy approach her or her Wali, as they both should be on the same page where this matter is concerned.

Sister #3: It is not a bad sign. Maybe the guy does not want to embarrass the girl if her parents like him but she does not. And maybe he doesn’t want to embarrass himself, what if she was not interested in him? It would be a long process getting parents’ number, parents ask the girl for her opinion then rejecting the guy. However, if it is kind of obvious that the girl is also interested in him, he should ask her for her parents’ contacts to proceed in taking serious steps.

Sister #4: Depends on the circumstances. It has happened to me before, but the guy was a complete stranger and was asking for my father’s number. I would say go through the parents whenever possible, but if the guy meets someone he sees as a potential partner on the spot, and his mother or sister aren’t present at the situation to ask on his behalf for contact information, then its understandable if he asks RESPECTFULLY for her father’s contact information. No declaration of love or poetry on the spot Romeo. Also, If he pokes you on Facebook to initiate a conversation, block him. Just no.


8. How do you feel about arranged marriage?

Sister #2: Arranged Marriage prove to be successful in certain cultures / and individual cases.  It is not for everyone, it works for some people, since we are all different and unique, and there is no general rule that apply to everyone.  As long as people are being treated with respect, and allowed time and space to ask questions, and make the right decision, that is all that count.

Sister #3: Not so ‘open book’. The girl and the guy both know that they are going to be meeting their may-be-potential partner, so they act on their best behavior, and are not in their natural behavior. However, if the arranged marriage is by people they trust and know very well, for example: a friend knows them both and thinks that they are suited for one another, and then it would probably be less artificial.

Sister #4: I think a differentiation here is necessary between arranged marriage and forced marriage. I am fine with the former, but against the latter. Arranged marriage is simply when the parents or families of both the guy and the girl are involved in their introductions to one another. With all honesty, if the parents are in favor of the union of their children, there might be some pressure, but arranged marriage is never meant to be forced. I’m completely fine with the idea, as the guy and girl both exercise free will on whether or not to go through with it. I have heard of countless marriages that began off that way, and the couple are doing just fine now.

9. Where do you think men are going wrong with proposals these days?

Sister #1:  Taking too long to get to know the girl. If you really like her, then khalas do it up yo. Man up a little. 

Sister #2:  Men must be very confused these days, especially in our city, where multi-culture is at its best.  It is amazing how when it comes to birth, marriage, or death, we go back to our root culture, and what our comfort zone is.  So it must be really difficult and confusing for a guy to propose to girl, and say and do the right thing, since culture is a big factor here.  And what is accepted by the girl sometimes is not accepted by her culture, or her family etc.  If we were all abiding by the Islamic way of doing things, it would be much easier, as Islam has rules and guidelines around the proposal that are unique, and pretty much standard.  But when culture is added to the mix, it definitely adds a twist of confusion.   Men really need to educate themselves on the culture of the girl they are interested in, before they approach, as knowing about the culture and keeping an open mind is a key.

Sister #3: They might not understand the idea that your wife is your “life partner”. They have to fully understand that: You have to protect and care for her like your sister. Love her, be merciful to her and appreciate her as if she is the most expensive gift you have ever received.

10. Advice to women handling proposals?

Sister #1: Have faith in Allah. He has someone for you. I'm sure that person is awesome iA. Just have patience, if it hasn't happened for you yet. Remember Allah is Lateefun Khabir. He knows what is in your heart even before you know it. Have trust in him and pray to him sincerely. iA it's happen for you soon! ps: If you're already in a relationship/commitment, honestly make it halal because a good/halal beginning will lead to a halal and happy end.

Sister #2: First thing expect the proposal, accept the fact that the proposal may come at any time and from anyone.  This will help prepare you.  The 2^nd thing, be honest in your feelings, and if there is no chance from one of the proposal, let the person know, in a kind and respectful way.  Simply put yourself in the other person’s position, and treat them like you would to be treated.  Stay objective and keep the emotion aside, as getting emotional will cloud your thinking, and confuse the matter at hand.   The more realistic & objective we stay, the better and easier it will be.   Do not be afraid to seek advice and support from a close friend, or relative, someone you trust to hear you out, and provide objective advice.

Sister #3: Think wisely. Test him on different occasions, and make sure you solve all the puzzling questions you have in your mind. Be 100% honest with the man and with yourself. You have to be 100% sure that this is the man that you want to live your whole life with. You have to have the intention of doing your best to make your marriage work and don’t think “if it doesn’t work out, it’s ok we’ll just get divorced”. NO, you have to be fully willingly committed. And if you expect the man to do his best, so should you.

Sister #4:
1. Listen to your parents and value their opinion. Remember, they love you and are on your side. Also, as they are much older than you, they have more experience with people, and may catch certain qualities or characteristics about the person that you might be blind to.
2. Try your best to be logical. Yes, I think its important to listen to our gut feelings and we may understandably be overwhelmed with emotions, but we should also try our best to be as realistic and objective as possible.
3. Pray Istikhara, and pay very close attention to your feelings. If you experience a sense of calmness and “Sakeenah,” and all other factors seem to line up, then you should put your faith in Allah SWT and proceed.
4. Do NOT blab about every proposal you get to all your friends. Be very careful about who you tell, as news are often exaggerated when passed around, and rumors and unnecessary drama can occur, leading to some very awkward situations..

11. What is the make or break of an approach? If it exists.

Sister #2:  Being sincere in our feelings towards ourselves & the person we are dealing with is a key.  Simply let us treat them at a human level, whether we intend to pursue the relationship with them or not.  Stay objective, as much as possible, during the decision making stage, as you need all the logic you can get to help make the decision.  Rely on sincere friends, relatives, to help keep you on track, everybody needs somebody sometimes, do not be shy to seek help.   Being insensitive to others feelings even if we do not intend to have a relationship with them is not right, and should be avoided.  We also should not give them false hope, we need to be realistic, and in touch with ourselves, as to what we want, so may make the right decision.