10 Tips for Resolving Old Grudges Between Couples

     So let's get right to it, shall we?

    Conflict in the form of old grudges can be damaging and nauseating to say the least. It effects the core of one's confidence and leaves both parties unsatisfied. But if they're so toxic, why do we choose to stay in these relationships?

    It's simple, we hang on to the smallest sign of hope for change. Or maybe we hang on to past memories and filter out the ones that broke our hearts. Some people may say trust can never be established again. Perhaps that's true -although we could argue against this- but it's usually not the last straw.

FACT: studies have shown that the top predictor of divorce is contempt. It includes negative judgment, criticism and sarcasm regarding the person's worth.

     So how many more years will it take? How many more cycles of the same behavior and feelings can one tolerate? Well, if you're hanging on for years, then there may be some room for forgiveness and resolution.

     Let's face it, there's no sure fire way to fix some of the problems we face. So all I offer is some tips to try out the next time you might find yourself in conflict with your significant other.

Tip # 1:

Use "I" statements 

     After a long and married life, both partners will probably come to know very well what ticks the other. In order to end a discussion brought up by a dispute to a peaceful close, each partner can try to first decipher the exact approach that causes defensiveness in the other. Once we get defensive, there is really no way to have an appropriate conversation without blowing the issue out of proportion. Using "I" statements and avoiding the aggressive pointing-of-the-fingers gesture is one of the best ways to avoid initiating that initial defensive reaction. Saying things like "I didn't appreciate that treatment", "It made me feel violated" and" I would love if we could find another way" can be better than attacking with "Yous." Choosing an indirect way of stating what one wants really does the trick at convincing the other to do just that. Try it for yourself and see.

Tip #2:

Validate emotions

    Every expression of emotion should be taken seriously. The fact that one partner may not understand what the other means to say and where they come from doesn't mean their emotions are invalid. Begin by addressing them and acknowledging that they exist, then perhaps find ways to contest them through Socratic questioning (again, any indirect ways of suggestion might work best). And similarly, how you would like your own emotions taken seriously, so does your partner. 

Tip #3:

Establish ground rules

    If we were to decode the elements of a good -or maybe not so good- grudge, it would probably take on a very repetitive and expected form; one that is based on old arguments and core beliefs of the other. In order for the couple to focus on the here-and-now rather than the past disappointments, ground rules can be established as a code of conduct between the two. One ground rule could be the invalidation of the use of evidence and arguments older than a month for example. Another rule could address extended family conflicts and rules of engagement. Another might address the specific discomforts of each person and red lines can also be established. Get as creative as possible and keep a copy for each of you. It will help keep everyone in check. Another idea would be to use a debate style approach to resolving conflicts and making use of an unbiased mediator.

Tip #4:

Let your Islam guide your behavior

    Similarly to the above idea of using a mediator, the book of Allah as well as the Sunnah can be a great place to find answers to specific questions. If both partners have an inclination towards finding answers from these sources, then each can do their own research on the matter. Grudges pertaining to duties of the wife or husband can be consolidated through sources from the Sunnah for example. Letting Islam guide the behavior of the couple means that each is responsible for his own actions with Allah. So, if a man wants to hold a grudge on why a women is dressed in a particular way, I would think that since he will not be judged for her actions on the day of judgement, he should probably stick to polite advice or leave it alone. Same idea goes for a man that smokes for example - unless of course there's second-hand smoke problems involved.

Tip #5:

Avoid definitive statements

  Definitive statements are just a method of trapping the other in the name of power and control. Statements like "you must" and "all women/men" or "you always/never" are toxic and leave the other with little hope for change. Try using statements that address the situational aspect of the conflict rather than the pervasive personality characteristics of the other. Using statements that leave some room for flexibility of behavior like "perhaps" "maybe" "sometimes", are better ways of addressing conflict.

Tip #6:

Avoid indirect and non verbal gestures of expression

    I don't mean to point a sexist finger here, but women tend to do this a good deal of the time. There are ways in which the male brain versus the female brain work differently. So when a woman or a man believes they have made their point to the other, they could be mistaken. Bottom line is, although the two may have lived together for years, that doesn't mean they can read each other's minds. So spare yourself the trouble and find direct ways of expressing -preferably verbally- what it is you would like to see in the relationship. 

Tip #7:

Give and take in the relationship

     Relationships are based on sacrifice and commitment. They require a mutual give and take. One night watching football for a women who hates the sport can be substituted with another of the husband going dress shopping. If that doesn't sound practical enough, try a token system where partners exchange tokens for doing things they hate for the other. It's a fun way to track down the reciprocation in the relationship. I can't guarantee it will work, but worth the try nonetheless.

Tip #8:

Break the same patterns of conflict

    Many years of living with another person is bound to cause some sort of ingrained behavior when conflict arises. And each partner may be reacting in the same way every time. Maybe it's time to break that pattern and try out a new behavior. It can range from using "I" statements to letting go of power in a heated debate.

Tip #9: 

Control anger

There is no excuse for anger. These pent up flames of rage should not be a part of resolving conflict. Anger is not an emotion that is attributed to anyone else but the one who gets angry. Practice breaking these habits using deep breathing, making wudu, postponing discussion to a later time or using effective assertive techniques.

Tip #10:

Do what works

At this point in the relationship, both parties know what makes the other happy. So instead of implementing something that you're both not used to, focus on what does. A candle-lit dinner may sound great for one couple but can be not as effective as a favorite dessert or movie for another. Pay attention to what works and keep the romance alive that way. 

Good luck!

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Related articles

• A Fiery Letter From a Victim of a Manipulative Man
• Single People Speak: Annoying Things Newly Engaged Couples Do
• 12 Common Irrational Beliefs
• The Feeling of Meaninglessness
• Internalized Racism; An Invisible Dilemma
• Captivating Sincerity

Internalized Racism; An Invisible Dilemma

"That's not a job for Muslims."
"They'll never let you make it big."
"Better not mention your religion."


     Statements like the above are too common to mention in Muslim communities in the West where Islam is not the majority. We're confronted too many times with the phenomenon of the glass ceiling that we can't break because of our identity. "Hope - but don't overdo it" is the motto. We are all told to confine to careers and aspirations that are synonymous to the ones of others who are like "us." Well, I am frankly sick and tired of hearing this talk. 

   The other day, while I was explaining my future aspirations with a few friends of mine, I received a reaction I could not have anticipated. After explaining my aspirations for my future as a contributor to a specific field as a Muslim woman, I was met with still faces and a sense of pity fell in the room. "Poor girl", they must have thought; "she's going to have a hard time adjusting to the real world." They then began explaining to me the following:

• There are people out there who don't want Muslims to succeed.
• You will face challenges being a Muslim woman.
• Be careful not to speak so openly about your identity.
• Don't lie on your job interviews and applications, just omit anything to do with your religious affiliation. 
• They're curious about Muslims cause they want to monopolize that information according to their own agendas.

Who's "they"? I kept asking myself.

     I can only say that I was genuinely shocked; not at the arguments themselves but at the passionate way in which they were posed as the hardcore truth of everything. Have we forgotten the ways in which the Prophet (pbuh) spread the word of Islam in the days of ignorance? Islam is our lifestyle and everything we do is stamped with our manners derived from the prophet's ways (pbuh). What kind of Ummah would we be if we denied the existence of our Deen within our societies? I can only imagine that we would become conflicted and anxious folk who lack the confidence to stand confidently on their own feet. If we don't embrace our identities, then who's going to do so for us? If I was going to get any job or opportunity by pretending to be something I'm not, then I would rather not do anything at all. What's the point of spending a lifetime trying to make money and to stay uncontroversial and safe if we don't contribute to the bettering of the ummah?  How selfish and individualistic would we be then?

   As you can guess, I had my own refuting arguments to pose. This internalized racism is the biggest barrier we face as Muslims trying to break out of our shell. We tell ourselves we can't; so we don't try. And here's another reality, most of us are of visible minority status; meaning that there's really no way to hide our identities. Denying our true selves is not moving us forward in any way or granting us the privilege of the majority. So while you're an outcast out there in the world, just own it and stand up a little taller for us all, will you?

    Here in the US, there's no denying racism exists. It's everywhere and in many forms; from direct aggression to micro-aggression to exclusion and neglect. But we must never let that be the norm. Our opposing stance to this normalization of racism must begin first and foremost from our hearts. When we choose to not accept this treatment with our actions before our words, we become a proud ummah with valued teachings to pass down to the upcoming Muslim generations that will continue to populate this land in the future. There's no excuse for doing otherwise. If you think you've had it bad, just remember the prophet (pbuh) and his companions who've endured torture and death punishments for their deen. They were only accepted into society when they chose to stick by their identities in the harshest of circumstances.

     I'd like to say to conclude this post that I really hope we begin to challenge these ideas of racism head on within ourselves and with the world. Always be optimistic and keep your eye open for refuting evidence to any ideas you may have of where individuals as Muslims should be in society. Choose not to accept racism -internal or external- and live life a proud Muslim whose identity stays firm and grounded.

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Related articles

• 10 Tips for Resolving Old Grudges Between Couples
• A Fiery Letter From a Victim of a Manipulative Man
• Single People Speak: Annoying Things Newly Engaged Couples Do
• The Feeling of Meaninglessness
• 12 Common Irrational Beliefs
• The Clock

A Letter: Jerks

A dear sister writes:

       
"     Asalamu alaikum Random Rants,

      I've got something I wanted to share. I hope its worthy of publishing:

      You know what ladies? it's time we discussed a topic that's been on our mind and in our hearts: Jerks, and not just any kind of jerks. Guys who are jerks. 

You could never tell these days, from the humble priest to the highly educated scholar, they come in many shapes and sizes, you would be shocked to know which ones are. 

      These people were put on earth so that Allah SWT could make you realize your worth. So that when you do find out they're jerks you are able to stand up, and say no more. There are the jerks who are straight up jerks and then there are the jerks that manipulate their humbleness and kindness to make you feel like the jerk. The ones who are straight up are easy to tell, we're all smart wise women here and most of us are able to tell from the actions of a man with others if he's a jerk or not. 

     The ones who hide it are the worst, there are guys out there who unfortunately manipulate your feelings and use them to their advantage. They will mold you with their humbleness to believe that they are right and you are wrong whilst still thinking that there's nothing wrong with them. These are powerful jerks, they remain mysterious to everyone as to not cause a stir, they're quiet, they're generally known as good people within the community but in reality they use they're good intentions to manipulate your mind and play with your feelings. 

     It's not your fault, they're really good at making a lot of girls believe them. they want to get off easily, whenever they want, they expect you to be there for them without telling you to, making you feel like they deserve it because they're so humble and kind when really they're just playing a manipulative game. This game is something they enjoy because they're in charge of it. You have no say in this game no matter how much say you think you have, and you will believe everything he says because you believe that he's the one, that he's going to come and ask for your hand and life will be all swell after that. These types of jerks keep you waiting, they push your buttons making you wake up and feeling uncertain about everything in your life. Everything becomes unexpected, your life depends on them, you begin to compromise a little more every time thinking "if I give in more then maybe he'll talk to me more."

     Ladies, do not let this happen to you, do not get to that point in your life where you're compromising pieces of yourself for someone who isn't willing to directly make the first official move - meeting your parents. This is wrong on so many levels. Compromising only gives them an excuse to lounge a little longer in secret. No matter how humble, nice, educated, good looking and "perfect" they are, NEVER compromise anything! A guy who really wants you will do everything in his will to have you. Don't settle for them telling you to wait, or even if they give you reasons as to why they don't want to get married now such as "I'm broke, I can't face your parents like this, I want to provide the best for you but I can't right now." 

      All these are excuses. Excuses of a jerk and not a man. A real man would NEVER allow you the opportunity to compromise because they know what they want and they know that they have to be straight forward about it to get it in a respectable manner. You may have heard this about 10 million times but it is the truth. It is the only truth that you will hear about this topic, there is no "but he's different, but he's nice, but everyone in the community says he's amazing" 

     If this "man" is not straight forward then he's not the one. Drop everything in place, realize your self worth and move on. I cannot stress this enough, move on. Allah SWT has better plans for you indeed, He really does. Don't let these jerks get to you, face them, tell them the truth, make them face it. If they keep changing the subject and moving around all over the place then they're being ambiguous, that is not what you want in a man. You want someone who can lay out their feelings in front of you when you need them to, someone who can tell you straight up without belittling you, hiding behind the bush and misguiding you what they really feel and that they will do everything it takes to have you the right way. 
    

      Men who can't do this are either players or don't have trust in Allah in their hearts, at least not for you, and you don't want either of those men in your life, because both of them are unreliable and unpredictable. 

      May Allah SWT grant us all the ability to see the truth behind people and grant us all the ability to stay away from them and grant us wonderful spouses who aren't any of these jerks.

Thank you,

Your soul sister"

__________


My response:

     Wa alaikum essalam sister,

     Thank you for taking the time to write to me. It takes a lot of courage and heart to put topics such of this to light and to have the intention to share it with others so they benefit. It is certainly an emotionally charged letter. I can clearly feel and sense your frustration which is completely understandable to the situation you've been put in -I'm assuming this was an epiphany from a personal event although you never mentioned so forgive me if I'm wrong. Although this may seem to an outsider to be an exaggerated letter with plenty of over-generalizations, the emotions you experience are real and they point to a bigger issue within our communities; an issue that is usually swept under the rug.

   I'm here to let you know that you're not alone. And that men -and women alike in specific situations- can be manipulative and downright abusive. Many of their attempts are difficult to decipher or bring to light to others. What we can do as independent and self-reliant women is to recognize the signs of an abusive partner before the matter gets out of hand and we find ourselves stuck. You mentioned the type of man who promises but doesn't follow through with his promises. When a woman has established clear boundaries and timelines for exploring a potential husband, it becomes easier to establish them early on in the relationship and to stop oneself from entering this cycle of forgiveness and compromise.

      So I'll start by sharing some signs of an abusive and manipulative man:

• He puts her down and makes her feel bad about herself
• He does all the talking and dominates the conversation
• He checks up on her all the time, even at work
• He tries to suggest he is the victim and acts depressed
• He tries to keep her away from friends
• He acts as if he owns her
• He lies to make himself look good or exaggerates his good qualities
• He acts like he is superior and of more value than others
• He makes her think she is crazy
• He uses jealousy to justify actions
• He plays mind games
• He makes her feel guilty
• He makes light of very serious matters
• He thinks he defines men and women's roles

    Now, just because a man might fit only one of two of these categories doesn't mean his behavior must be tolerated and accepted. Establishing those lines for yourself before entering a new relationship will set clear boundaries and red flags that will guide you out of a potentially hostile and dangerous environment. Personally speaking, one of these is enough for me to say no.

     So in reality, we can sit and talk for hours about the dangerous and evil people out there but that won't do enough to protect you if it's not accompanied by clear boundaries for meeting potential partners. Now envision a slightly different situation - one where a woman subject to a potential manipulative man has set in place for herself a "protocol" of some sort for meeting new people; one that involves only selecting to consider men who directly express their full intentions and interest in marriage - men who explicitly state their intention for seeking permission from her parents before delving into the relationship. People tend to underestimate the power of imposing these boundaries in relationships. It acts as a filter that leaves all the men with bad intentions a few miles away. We've got to admit to ourselves that often our own filters are not so objective. There's nothing harder than standing your ground against a man who says the right things at the right time - not to mention if he's also handsome and of good social status. But remember that not all that glitters is gold.

     Now, what about the men who make the parent test and are still potentially dangerous? The key is to continue implementing these boundaries until some official agreement has been made - like marriage or engagement. All men should be treated in the same manner until things have been made fully public. I say this with full acknowledgment that there are still men out there who are toxic after marriage and that a "happily-ever-after" doesn't happen after marriage. But in the time a woman begins exploring a potential husband for marriage, she's got time to pick up on those signs and to ask the tough questions. And there are instances where a woman may feel that she doesn't have a clear case or evidence to hold against him, so she follows along with the marriage. Often, your gut feelings can tell you more than your intellect. So evaluate them and use distancing to see the relationship from a third perspective.

    You mentioned how men of this caliber are usually the most sought-after in the Muslim community and this is usually the case.  A man who manipulates women and plays mind games can also twist his words with the rest of the world to make them fall to his feet. So take caution and take other's white/black opinions of him with a grain of salt. And when it comes to mystery, I mean it's okay but only when it's in the right places. If you are clueless to what he does with his time, money or friends, then the mystery becomes dangerous. Leave the mind games to amateurs. A real man who can be a potential father to your children has to lay it out on the table as it is.


     Keep your head up high sister!

     and Ameen!



With my best duas,

Random Rants


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Related articles

• The Feeling of Meaninglessness
• 10 Tips for Resolving Old Grudges Between Couples
• Internalized Racism; An Invisible Dilemma
• 12 Common Irrational Beliefs
• Single People Speak: Annoying Things Newly Engaged Couples Do
• Captivating Sincerity

The Feeling of Meaninglessness

Artwork from a dear sister

      Time is frozen; Irrelevant.

     Words can't seem to bring themselves together to make meaning. Why should it matter anyway?

     Meaninglessness is not limited to the depressed and lazy. Meaninglessness can hit the most motivated and happy people you know. It can be for a few hours or weeks but it doesn't discriminate. All that is common between these moments of meaninglessness is that plaguing feeling of helplessness. Even if you know it's just for a few minutes, life becomes a blur and you lose sight of reality.

     Maybe you're stressed. Or maybe you're avoiding a confrontation or an obligation. But all that you can feel is uselessness right now. You feel time slipping away from you and you can't catch up to it. The present moment is meaningless. So is the next few minutes that are lost in thought...

     But wait, stop yourself for one second. 

     Imagine capturing those irritating thoughts that tell you how lazy and incompetent you are. Okay, now take a look at their composition. They look just like thoughts, right? Maybe bubbles or words or whatever. But, they are only what we perceive them to be.

     Now take a deep breath...

     Collect those thoughts once more and picture a box appearing in a scene of nothingness. Now, take a firm hold on those thoughts and place them one by one in that box. Stack them nicely; for you want to respect their existence. Accept them as having lived and breathed like they were real people.

     Find a key for that box and lock that box shut. Imagine a silent cloud slowly floating to where you are. The cloud is here to take your box. Place the box on that cloud and give it up. Not just to the sky. Give it up higher. Much higher. Give it up to Allah.

     What were these thoughts anyway? You can't seem to remember anymore. All that you know is that you feel like you've lifted a huge boulder off your shoulders. They're in someone else's care. And there's no being out there in existence that can handle them better than Allah. So take it easy and trust.

     These thoughts were floating in your head trying to find purpose. Yet they were only a burden that kept getting heavier with the passing of time. They were tiny products of your own creation; roaming in a head of a single person...

     A single person among many who inhabit a beautiful place called earth.

     The earth is a part of a family of planets, who happen to orbit around a single sun.

     That sun is one of billions. 

     And the space that we conceive is only a single layer of many others. 

     All of which mean no less than a mosquito's wing to Allah.


    

      So how big are those thoughts now?



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Single Muslims Speak: Annoying Things Newly Engaged Couples Do

      Congratulations newly engaged friends!

      Contrary to what you may believe, we are genuinely happy to see you've found the one for you. That being said, you still get annoying. Here's some insight from the single folk on what they would like to say to you but never did.


      Single People Speak: Annoying Things Newly Engaged Couples Do:



1. Flooding their timeline with every pose imaginable- or borderline halal.


2. A picture with their hands on top of one another, displaying their rings.


3. Trying to hitch you. Cause they want you to feel the same way they do. They'll do it at their own wedding if they have to.


4. Flashing that ring and waiting for your face to be very excited.


5. Wearing matching shirts on Facebook. Same shirt, just different pictures.


6. They work out together. The world must know.


7. They wanna interfere with your love life or lacktherof.


8. Posting marriage and "half your deen" quotes on Facebook.


9. Giving you the "one day you'll find a great person" talk.


10. Hashtags #marriagelife or #engagedlife or #inlove .


11. Cropped and photoshopped images of their names together with pictures of roses and chocolates.


12. No more quality girlfriend/bro time.


13. Planning their wedding with you.


14. Facebook knew about your BF's engagement before you did.


15. Your congratulations is met with "hopefully for you too".


16. Quitting schooling to fly off into nowhereland.


17. Asking you for advice on their motherinlaw.


18. Being late for their own engagement.


19. The evil eye is suddenly everywhere.


20. Taking this list too seriously.



:)

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• Sister's Speak: A Muslima's Common Boy Problems (Part 2)
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The Clock

A dear sister writes:

The seconds steadily slip away, losing tiny, priceless gifts,

Like the days marked by the sun and the moon exchanging shifts.

"Please stop the time, we desperately need more,"

The clock doesn’t stop, but you’re hoping it’s hands are yours.

Rewind to that day the sun shone on your smile as a child,

Simplicity it was, sun and moon idly rotating as you ran wild,

Now your head sinks in the ocean of the changes you could make,

And your mind rests on the thought of how many risks you should take,

And like the ocean reflects the blood rays of sunset,

Your mind magnifies these thoughts, there’s simply no rest,

Life whispers to me, a spark, I’m amazed at the thought,

Like the burning rays of the sun chastising me, “You forgot,”

So shower me with my mistakes, and let me fall, let me be

A human, a sinner, for one day I hope to be free.



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Captivating Sincerity

Sincerity.

Where to begin describing her?

Haven't you heard?

 Sincerity leaves her subjects speechless.

Pure in form and element.

Validation

or reward

are not notions she understands.

Sincerity stands alone.

She leaves you captivated and in wonder.

Suddenly hope is familiar

and life has renewed meaning.

She has no hidden arrangement

and no foul intentions.

She poses like a secret charity

written solely in His books.

Sincerity leaves you alone with your thoughts

of awe and wonder

and you'll ask;

What are you Sincerity?

The only arrangement she has must be with Him, you think.

How I long to spend a moment exploring

 the mind of the sincere.

 I see Sincerity in you too.

And you often remind me of a tree;

strong roots

and endless branches;

bearing fruit in sacrifice 

to other forms of life.

Regardless of where your fruit end up,

rotting or immersed in the ground to form a new tree,

your roots

stay firm and idle;

connected to the soil that gave you life.

Have you seen the way a tree stands?

Have you noticed the way its branches look up to the sky?

Like arms in supplication and surrender;

 in full knowledge that no matter how high its branches will look down,

it will forever remain frozen in the position of submission to its creator

and me?

I am only left with 

subhanallah 

alhamdoulillah

and Allahu akbar.

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Twenty

A dear sister writes:

     13 years old and I believed I was the only one that suffered throughout 13 years of on going problems. Be it family problems, school problems, bullying, you name it- I went through it. I went from having full faith in God to having almost none. My Iman was on a roller-coaster ride that never seemed to end. In my late teens, things got worse. I got worse. I didn't lose complete faith in God, but I was very close to giving up many, many times. I hated who I was, I hated my family problems, I hated that my grades were lower then my friends, I hated that I felt so useless. I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. When I entered University, it didn't change. Nothing changed in my life, other then it seemed more stressful. Family problems were at an all time high, my marks were slipping from my grasp; I was stuck on self-discovery. Alhamdulilah I never "rebelled" or did anything I deeply regret all because of a small strand of hope. A voice, really. Islam was that voice, the light, my light. Yes, there were many times where I felt so low but I always told myself to hang on to the very thin rope of hope. There was always this feeling that told me to keep going, life wasn't ending anytime soon. This light only came when I placed my forehead on to my prayer mat and reconnected with my Creator, my origins.  

     After 20 years of living as a Muslim, I finally realize why is it we pray. I always knew prayer was for repenting, acknowledging, our Lord, The Merciful, All Knowing, All Wise. But today is when I finally know the power of prayer. Life is hard, with the constant detours, with unpaved roads and unfortunate lack of warning signs. We push ourselves so much; it emotionally, physically and mentally hurts. We lose ourselves, find ourselves. Hurt others, hurt ourselves. Test ourselves, and be tested. Life is freakin stressful. Which is why, I think, we pray. Prayer is the biggest stress reliever. Knowing that there is a Listener Who knows exactly what is in your heart, without you whispering a sound. Knows what is in store for you, and knows what is best for you. And personally, I think that is the biggest load off and one of the biggest blessings.

 Like Rumi wrote:


"“My heart is so small


it’s almost invisible.


How can you place 
such big sorrows in it?
"

“Look," He answered,


"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.””

I am okay, Alhamdulilah.  We will all be okay, inshaAllah 

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